Grow Wings With Me! - HELP FOR ABUSE SURVIVORS.

SCRIPTURE: Let us not get tired of doing what is right, for after a while we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't get discouraged and give up. For God is at work within you, helping you do what God wants.Galations 6:9,Philippians 2:13 (The Living Bible)

During recovery from sexual abuse, survivors experience many difficulties in new sexual relationships, even when they are good, right and holy ones. I have been no different, but I have good news! My husband and I celebrated our 35th Wedding Anniversary last week, and we now have a fantastic sexual dimension to our marriage. This has taken much time, patience and experiment. We have made the sexual experience as different as possible to what my abuser did to me, and so have made a store of totally new and positive memories. The abuser may have been a former partner/spouse, so if you are in a new relationship, this could help you too.Be patient with yourself....it will take time. Renewing your mind is the hardest part, and it takes heaps of work, but keep at it! You will be rewarded!

Here I share some very personal but also very practical ideas that we have found to help:

1. In your mind and talk, use new language....e.g. ...."making love" not "having sex".

2. Give your body parts different names....pet names just you and your husband share.Ask your spouse to use a different tone of voice, too, if that helps.

3. Make love at different times of the day and allow plenty of time.

4. Make love in a different location from the bedroom...e.g. the lounge room. I have afriend who can only enjoy making love in the back seat of their car, because that is where he remembers fun and loving memories from his dating days!

5. Change the associated aromas...e.g. you choose your husband's aftershave, and buy one as different as possible to what you can remember your abuser wore. Block out "sexual aromas" as much as possible. Fragrance oil burning in the room helped me....I love soothing lavender. Use massage oils on each other....powder or perfume is another idea.

6. Play special music you also associate with your dating days/fun times/ happy times of your relationship before sex was involved.....not the type of music you may have heard where the bad memories are stored.

7. Change the lighting. My abuser always chose the dark, so we have candles..., low lighting...., bright lights...., colored globes....anything but darkness!

8. Use a different body position and method not involved in your memories.

9. Ask your partner to touch you in the parts of the body your abuser didn't. Any part of your body can feel quite erotic if stroked lovingly and gently by someone you genuinely love.

10. Mentally keep reminding yourself that this is NOT your abuser. It is a totally different experience with your spouse/partner who really loves you - which the abuser did not.This is the most challenging of all aspects of your recovery. Persevere!

11. Take time to set the whole scene. Most abusers give no warning. A bubble bath, shower or spa...then enjoy a slow, long drink...nibble on fresh fruit pieces or chocolate or whatever you REALLY like, while chatting light, carefree conversation with your true love. This will help you to relax. Friends set apart a whole evening every week for this. Consummation may or may not occur - that is not important. Relationship is what is the important aspect here.

12. Maintain privacy in areas where your abuser was invasive. For many years I did not like anyone (even a toddler!) in the bathroom with me because my abuser was also a voyeur and I found company whilst even cleaning my teeth fully dressed brought back that "dirty" feeling for me. You may even still need to keep the bedroom door closed whilst dressing or undressing. Fine.

13. When buying/renting a home, choose one where the positions of the children's bedrooms are far away from your own...and if it all affordable, include a private ensuite.

14. Build a special wardrobe of nightwear you never wore when abused. For me for example, I wore good old flannelette pyjamas for a long time, because I wore nighties as a child, and found they made me feel extremely vulnerable.Now I have come such a long way, and love satin nighties of all colors and styles! What a personal miracle for me!

15. Give gifts at the start of a special occasion..e.g. ...holiday, outing, video night, food you both love and never ate when with your abuser. Abusers never make one feel 'special'!

16. We have chosen to live in a totally different type of neighborhood, and we holiday mainly in the mountains or the countryside.This is because my childhood holidays during where I hold painful memories were always near the sea.

17. Move geographically as far away as possible. Visiting your abuser or seeing his haunts brings back memories unnecessarily.

18. Change the bedding. Pink quilts or doona covers are "out" for me, as are flannelette sheets and cream blankets. I have even learned to sleep with two pillows instead of one, and have added crescent-shaped pillows and cushions as well.....all new to my "marriage bed".

19. Resist the urge to hang photos of your abuser in your new environment. Guilt can make you feel you "should", but looking at this person from time to time is no help in forgetting the negative impact on your life that this person caused you.

GET THE IDEA!!?? Work on it as a couple. It will take time, thought and planning ahead, but that makes it special too. Abusers give you no time to prepare and never ask YOU what YOU would like.

One very important message here is that it is essential for YOU to take charge, make decisions, and ask for what you want in your new relationship. Remaining passive will never empower you, and empowerment is exactly what you need.

PRAYER: Loving God, the creator of all things new, we ask today for the inspiration of your creative insight to help each one of us make new beginnings. Give us the courage to keep on keeping on, in a very practical way, to become all that you have designed for us to be. For we affirm that you want us to enjoy all good things, and our sexuality IS a good thing, when used in the way you intended for us. We want to enjoy our lives, and enrich those we love, but we realise we can only do that through your power.Thank you that you are a very practical God, who is greatly concerned with the nitty-gritty of our lives - even our love life! For you are the God of Love!! AMEN.

TODAY: Begin right now! Take ONE idea from the list above from which to start, and work out in your mind how you could practically achieve it. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither are new lovers! But remember, you CAN change, little by little, and with God's help, you will! I know!!

Julie-Anne Wingate. Copyright 2002. All Rights Reserved.