After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

Adrian GodsHome JokesList

"Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life"
by Texas Bix Bender
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There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Never ask a man the size of his spread.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson.

The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

1) Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.

5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

8) Ushers will eat latecomers.

9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell on May 10 and 11.

29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.

30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

34) [explaining why all but one bell of the church carillon is not working] "...its lone peal will summon the faithful to worship while the others are being dismantled and repaired."

35) "To Mr and Mrs Fetherstonhaugh, the git of a boy."

-- John Mitchell "Pressure, n: force applied to a door marked 'pull'."