Date: Thu, 14 May 1998 21:37:33 +1000 (GMT+1000)
From: Jan Groenveld <>
Subject: Don't think any have missed this experience <G>

Rules for cats who have a house to run.

I.    DOORS:    Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened,
stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door
and pull clothing towards you; silks get the
quickest reaction.  Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out
and think about several things. This is particularly important during very
cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the
mosquito season.  Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II.    CHAIRS AND RUGS:    If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair
quickly.  If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If
there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag,
be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's
bare foot.

III.    BATHROOMS:    Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I.)
It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV.    HELPING:    If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called
"helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering".

The following are the rules for "helping":
    a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel
        of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better
        chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
    b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
        book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
    c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
        appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at
        least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often
        reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker
        may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to
        hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great
        hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
    d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
        taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -
        - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When
        dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity
        proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the
        best of your ability. After being removed for the second time,
        push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
    e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be
        sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V.    WALKING:    As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are:
    1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms;
    2) In the dark; and
    3) When they first get up in the morning.
This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

VI.    BEDTIME:    Always sleep on the human at night.  If there are two (or
more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat.  They will
try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep
them pinned.

^^THE MOST DANGEROUS LIE IS THAT WHICH MOST CLOSELY RESEMBLES THE TRUTH^^
  _--_|\      Jan Groenveld  E-Mail: py10
 /  OZ  x <-- Brisbane, Oz   WWW Page: http://student.uq.edu.au/~py101663
 \_.--._/              Cult Awareness & Information Centre