An unidentified man in Buenos Aires pushed his wife out of an
eighth-floor window but his plan to kill her failed when she became
entangled in some power cables below. Seeing she was still alive, the
man jumped and tried to land on top of her. He missed…

Baggy clothes may save your life: a 13-year-old boy in Belgrade,
Yugoslavia fell 130 feet from his hi-rise apartment and survived with
only minor injuries. Witnesses said Daniel Gurgus’ baggy sweater caught
tree branches on the way down… remember, kids, just say no to
Spandex…

William deLashmutt of York County was fined $100 after he was
stopped at a police checkpoint with a car license plate, registration,
title and driver’s license issued by "the Kingdom of
Heaven…" William obviously missed a comet…

Joe Peterson, a tourist in Italy, broke an arm and both legs when he
fell over a cliff trying to pick a lucky four-leaf clover…

After drinking a little too much, Stewart Butcher went to sleep on a
West Virginia railroad track. A while later, something woke him– a 15
car coal train. "I raised up," said Stewart, "and it
knocked me out…"

Carlos Diaz of New York got 18 years to life for committing a series
of robberies by pretending a zucchini hidden under his jacket was a
gun…

Joseph Owens of Mount Pleasant, Michigan, didn’t think police were
listening to his complaints that someone was harassing him, so he came
up with a brilliant plan. Owens convinced his friend to shoot him in the
shoulder with a shotgun so police would take him seriously. After a trip
to the emergency room, Owens faces up to four years in prison for filing
a false police report…next time, a little higher and to the left…

Two eighth-grade girls in Mableton, Georgia were suspended from
school for practicing voodoo. According to reports, the Lindley Middle
School girls "were trying to cast spells on other students…"
everybody knows it takes four girls and a chicken…

A bad week for kidnappers: three men in Marietta, Georgia tried to
kidnap Wanda Beverly and Anthony Watt. When police closed in, one of the
men shot himself in the leg while trying to unload his gun…the cops!
Quick, unload your guns…

When James Nagel tried to abduct a Los Angeles woman, someone tipped
off police. Nagel led officers on a "low speed chase" for 30
minutes, then tried to get away on foot. He shot at police several
times, but missed. Nagel then climbed a utility pole and threatened to
kill himself. Police tried to talk him down, then shot him with ten
rounds of plastic bullets. Nagel finally surrendered after being sprayed
for five minutes with a high-powered water hose, but not before
accidentally shooting himself in the forehead…

The makers of "Truster" software claim they can turn your
computer into a personal lie detector. CEO Tamir Segal says his software
measures "microtremors" in the voice, and works over the
phone. "Everyone’s sending me e-mail now," says Segal,
"because they don’t want to talk…"

An Australian man accused of murdering his wife can’t seem to get
his story straight. June Mathew, John Rushton’s second wife, testified
that Rushton told her his first wife died of a heart attack, ran off
with a Baptist minister after committing 55 acts of adultery, and
drowned after being washed overboard. Rushton also claimed he was a
nuclear physicist, a naval commander, and had been knighted for saving
the Queen’s life. Mathew, who was married to Rushton for five years,
believed him because he was a "good talker…" but those pesky
microtremors finally gave him away…

Our Product of the Week Award goes to Japanese inventor Kenji
Kawakami, creator of "Baby Mops." Kawakami has attached mops
to baby clothing, so your infant can clean the floor as he crawls…
plans for the "Baby-Vac" are still on the drawing board…

An off-duty police officer in Newark, NJ, had a pistol-shaped
cigarette lighter which he had been using all night while drinking at a
local tavern. After many hours and drinks, he apparently mistook his 32
revolver for the lighter. When he went to light his cigarette, he shot
and killed John Fazzola, who was seated 5 stools away at the bar…

When asked to explain an increase in area robberies, Washington
police chief John Layton replied, "The biggest factor is the
inclination of certain individuals of acquiring funds by illegal
means…"

When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car
into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri.
When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to
retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer
on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because
"you can’t ticket a guy for being stupid…"

The best-laid plans of a Canadian couple in a suicide pact went awry
because the weapon they used nearly as old as they are. Harold Pinna,
89, and his 92-year-old wife decided to end it all with a .22 caliber
pistol that hadn’t been fired in 60 years. Mr. Pinna shot his wife in
the head, but the rusty bullet ricocheted off a hair curler, and she
suffered only a mild scalp laceration. He then put the gun to his right
ear and fired again. The shot was so weak that the bullet lodged in his
ear. The dazed couple then gave themselves up to the police… it was
either that or throw themselves out the first floor window…

Times of London: A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for
life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at
Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to
doctor’s paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked
into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the
high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its
treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After
lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the
man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns
became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles
away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a
doctor’s coat. After tending his wounds they called the police.
Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided
he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for
life.

San Antonio, Texas: 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested after a
mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in
the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic
for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she
didn’t realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change
the oil.

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights
for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a
47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
years in jail.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours
and stole–are you ready for this?–the bank’s video camera. While it
was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located
elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of himself
stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank’s basement
through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the
process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from
where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he
had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone
and dialed "911" for help …

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal
a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The
truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided
that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors,
etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the
pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck–so
they abandoned it.

Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store
windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after
throwing a brick into a plexiglass window…the brick bounced back, hit
him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.

Portsmouth, RI: Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of
vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police
inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine
and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

Lake City, Florida: Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested for robbery
of a Howard Johnson’s motel. She was armed with only an electric
chainsaw, which was not plugged in.

Ann Arbor News (crime column): A man walked into Burger King in
Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The
clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said
they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head
bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was
trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head
without getting hit.

In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with
pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When
repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he
couldn’t find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a
bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was
substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be
arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and
demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the
loot, he fled–leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday,
shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about
golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what
a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to
demonstrate his swing, which he does–backward! A substantial amount of
narcotics was found in the golf bag.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience
store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for
change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and
asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled– leaving the
$20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer? Fifteen dollars.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in
damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided
the court a check–a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun,
announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head–and
realized that he’d forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

http://www.engr.orst.edu/~mcin/humor/new/STUPID_CRIMINALS.html

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