the first person to smoke a cigarette... Rachel, she lit off her camel...

the first person to play tennis...David, he served in the courts of Saul...

the first reference to motorcycles...King David's triumph was heard through out the land...

the smallest person...Peter, he slept on his watch...

Sunday school (and Sabbath school) pupil's misquotes of Scripture:

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

Moses went up on Mt Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

Moses died before he ever reached England, then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles

One of the opossums was St Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

You might be a Southern Baptist if...

you think God's presence is always strongest in the back three pews
you think the Apostle Paul spoke King James English
you think Jesus actually used grape juice and saltine crackers in communion

One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

The airplane law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time. Arthur Bloch

Two goats are eating used movie film on the back lot of a movie studio. One says, "This stuff is pretty good." To which the other goat answers, "Not as good as the book."

When you hear a man boast that he is the boss in his own house, you can be sure that he might lie about other things also.