A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his
presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon
reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab
a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been
watching these proceedings with interest. He announces
himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher’s entry in
the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, “Okay, we’ll
let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

The preacher is astonished and replies, “But I am a man of
the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe.
Surely I rate higher than a cabby.”

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: “Here we are interested
in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby
drove his taxi, people prayed.”

Honk if you love Jesus

The wife of a preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful
religious experience that she had last week.

The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a ‘Honk
if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at church, so I bought
that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I’m really glad that
I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about
the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It’s a good thing
someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk
like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, “For the love of God,
Go…….Go! Jesus Christ! Go!”

Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all
those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him
yelling something about a ‘sunny beach’.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up
in the air. When I asked my teenager son in the back seat what this meant, he
said that it was nothing, ‘probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something’.
Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave
him the good luck sign back.

My son burst into laughter. Why, even he was enjoying the love of this
religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they
wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the
light had changed so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and
drove through the intersection.

I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed
again and I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all that love that we
had shared so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such a
wonderful experience.

Honk if you love Jesus!!!”

The toughest questions for men…

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you di if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers correctly (I.e. tells the
truth). Therefore as a public service, each question is analyzed below. along
with possible responses.

1. What are you thinking about?

the proper answer to this of course is “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful,caring,
intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you”

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most
likely is one of the following:
a.baseball.
b.football.
c.how fat you
are.
d.how much prettier she is than you.
e.how I would spend the
insurance money if you died.

2. Do you love me?

the proper resonse is “YES”, or if you feel a more detailed answer is in
order, “yes dear”.

inappropriate responses include:
a. oh yes, bucket loads.
b. would it
make you feel better if I said yes?
c. that depends on what you mean by
love.
d. does it matter?
e. who, me?

3. Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic “of course not” Among the incorrect
answers are;
a. compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re
not exactly thin.
c a little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen
fatter.
e. could you repeat the question? I was just think about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

4. Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again the proper response is an emphatic “of course not!” incorrect
responses include;
a. yes, but you have a better personality
b. not
prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. not as pretty as you when you were her
age.
d. define pretty.
e. could you repeat the question? I was just
thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

5. What would you do if I died?

a definite no-win question (the real answer is of course “buy a corvette’) No
matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow up
questions, usually along these lines;

WOMAN “would you get married again?”
MAN “definitely not!
WOMAN “why
not-don’t you like being married?”
MAN “of course I do”
WOMAN “then why
wouldn’t you remarry?”
MAN “O.K., I’d get married again.
WOMAN “you
would?”(with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN “yes I would.
WOMAN “would
you sleep with her in our bed?”
MAN “where else would we sleep?”
WOMAN
“would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?”
MAN
‘that would seem like the proper thing to do”
WOMAN “and would you let her
use my golf clubs?”
MAN “she can’t use them she’s left handed”

Related Articles:

• Police officer chased ‘himself’ for 20 minutes
• Humo[u]r
• Humo[u]r
• ATHEIST HOLY DAY :-)
• Humo[u]r (corny :-)

This work, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.