___ From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: ___

'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'

___ From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: ___

'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'

___ From The Times: ___

'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on  an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."

___ From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": ___

"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

___ From The Derby Abbey Community News: ___

"We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."