"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard So-So Airline flight 602 from New York to Punta Cana. We are currently flying at a eight of 35,000 feet going South the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."

At a Convent

A young nun enters a convent, where she can only utter two words every ten years. After the first decade, she visits Mother Superior and says, "bed hard." Ten years later, she says, "food bad." After 30 years, she goes to the Mother Superior and says, "I quit."

"I'm not surprised," says Mother Superior. "You've been complaining ever since you got here."