Children and the Church

My mom and dad were caring for our 4-year old daughter one weekend, and took her to a barbeque at some friends home. While there, the family dog wandered around the dinner table, begging scraps. This irritated my father who believed that all dogs belonged outside, so he thought he would cure the dog of this habit and stuck out a green onion. My father was so amazed when the dog ate the onion with joy, that he exclaimed, "Well, look at that damned dog. He ate the damned onion!"

Everyone laughed, including our tiny tot. The next morning, G'ma took Kari to church where the little one sat patiently through the long sermon, where the minister asked the congregation to think about their salvation and so on, and so when my mother complimented the minister on his new interpretation of Hell, Kari thought it was time so swear, so she yanked on the preacher's pants until he looked down at her and she said, "My grampa fed an onion to a damned dog and he ate the damned thing!"

* * * * *

SICK IN CHURCH

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says 'For the Sick'."

* * * * *

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with:

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

* * * * *

Little Johnny was puzzled as to his origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?

His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you."

"And did God send YOU too, Mommy?"

"Yes, Johnny, He did."

"And GRANDMA and GREAT-GRANDMA and DADDY, too?"

Again the answer was "Yes, Johnny, He did."

Little Johnny shook his head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years?!?!? No wonder everyone is so cranky!"

* * * * *

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."

* * * * *

Children's Books You'll Never See (These were from a Washington Post contest):

"You Were an Accident"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"Where's Godot?"

"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"

"You Are Different and That's Bad!!!!!"