Think about it...

~ 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. ~ A day without sunshine is like, well, night. ~ A good pun is its own reword. ~ A harp is a piano with no clothes on. ~ A heavy-handed father makes a nimble-footed son. ~ A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work. ~ A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. ~ A pessimist is a man who looks both way before crossing a one-way street. ~ A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. ~ Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often. ~ Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? ~ Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure: Hold down the shift key and hit the '4' key four times. ~ Bacon & eggs: Hens are involved, but pigs are committed. ~ Be ye fishers of men: You catch 'em, He'll clean 'em. ~ Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step--blaming my parents. ~ Black holes are where God divided by zero. ~ Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever. ~ Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation? ~ Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. ~ Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due. ~ Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. ~ Contents may have settled out of court. ~ Death to all fanatics! ~ DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it... ~ Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? ~ Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. ~ Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them. ~ Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drive by again? ~ Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? ~ Don't worry: The answer's at the back of the book. ~ E Pluribus Modem ~ EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. ~ Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. ~ Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. ~ Feel free to hurt my feelings. All you risk is my insane rage. ~ Feet smell? Nose runs? Hey, you're upside down! ~ Follow your dream! (Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.)

~ For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients. ~ Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. ~ Give God what is right, not what is left. ~ Glass, china, and reputation are easily cracked and never well mended. ~ Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. ~ Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional. ~ Half the people you know are below average. ~ Hang in there: retirement is only thirty years away! ~ Having an out of body experience. Back in five. ~ Home is where you hang your . ~ How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? ~ I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else. ~ I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. ~ I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. ~ I disagree with unanimity. ~ I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. ~ I finally got my head together and then my body fell apart. ~ I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ~ I never start something that I am not going to fi ~ If I had the power of God for 24 hours, you could bet I would change a lot of things. But if I had God's wisdom for 24 hours, I wouldn't change a thing. ~ If mother always knows best, what happens when two mothers disagree? ~ If you love Jesus, TITHE...anyone can honk. ~ If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything? ~ I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done already. ~ Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I ~ Just because I'm wandering, doesn't mean I'm lost. ~ Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead, I will move my TV into the bedroom. ~ Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. ~ Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery. ~ Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic on TV. So I put the cat there. ~ Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me. ~ Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. ~ Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm. ~ Love is grand. Divorce is 20 grand. ~ Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. ~ Love thy neighbor; tune thy piano. ~ Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. ~ Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. ~ Mental backup in progress: Do Not Disturb! ~ Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. ~ Most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if it says, "Open somewhere else"? ~ Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young. ~ My blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ~ Necessity is the father of a committee to consider hiring a consultant. ~ Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. ~ Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run. (He hates that.)

~ Of course you are entitled to your own opinion. It doesn't change the truth, but you *are* entitled to it. ~ Old age comes at a bad time. ~ One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make someone gain five pounds. ~ One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen. ~ Opportunity knocked at my door, but I was at the pier waiting for my ship to come in. ~ Originality is the art of concealing your sources. ~ Patience is counting down without blasting off. ~ People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. ~ Perhaps you know why women over sixty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them. ~ Pride goeth before a downsizing. ~ "Put" means to place a thing where you want it. "Putt" means a vain attempt to do the same thing. ~ Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. ~ Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree! ~ Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? ~ Saliva may cause stomach cancer, especially when swallowed in small quantities over a long period of time. ~ Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. ~ Senility Prayer: God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. ~ Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for dinner?" ~ Strangers are friends you haven't bled for an easy twenty yet. ~ Sweater: a garment worn by a child when a mother feels chilly. ~ Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. ~ That hotel was so old, the Bibles were first editions. ~ The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. ~ The best labor-saving device is doing it tomorrow. ~ The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything. ~ The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. ~ The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys. ~ There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year. ~ There is more to life than increasing its speed. ~ Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. ~ Too many clicks spoil the browse. ~ Tragedy can make you bitter or better. ~ Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins, you can't imagine the smell. ~ Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. ~ WARNING! Driver only carries $20 of ammunition. ~ We do precision guesswork. ~ We have mileage, yardage and footage. Why don't we have inchage? ~ What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? ~ When dad blows his big top, make sure you're not on the high wire. ~ When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws. ~ Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? ~ Why do people say "gross negligence"? Is negligence ever attractive? ~ Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? ~ You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. ~ You can't have everything. Where would you put it? ~ Young at heart. Slightly older in other places. ~ Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace. ~ You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.