WHERE THE DOG AND CAT CAME FROM

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, "and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well." And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And the cat didn't give a **** one way or the other.

Owner's Guide For Cats

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human house-trained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.

COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.

Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

FELINE PHYSICS

Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction A cat must lie on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Furniture Replacement A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter