Thank you for calling Heaven,

For English, Press 1.

For Spanish, press 2.

For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for Requests.

Press 2 for Thanksgiving.

Press 3 for Complaints.

Press 4 for all other inquiries.

We're sorry; all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners

right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

God, press 1.

Jesus, press 2.

Holy Spirit, press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are

holding, press 4.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the "pound" sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our records show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

Please pray again on Monday after 9:30am.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please

contact your local priest or pastor.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day.