Rowland Croucher wrote: > [I've flown with Qantas for years, and was twice with them in the last week. > However... P.S. There's a religious point here, if you can find it :-)] > > First a reprise of how ordinary hardware stores sell paint: Customer: Hi. > How much is your paint? > > Shop Assistant: We have normal quality paint for $18 a litre and premium > paint for $25. How many litres would you like? > > Customer: Five litres of normal paint please. > > Shop Assistant: Great. That will be $90. > > Now, imagine you are buying paint from Qantas [or another airline]: > > First you spend days trying to reach them by phone to ask if they have > paint. Nobody answers. So you drive to a Qantas store. > > Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? > > Shop Assistant: Well sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. > > Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price? > > Shop Assistant: Our lowest price is $12 a litre and we have 60 different > prices up to $200 a litre. > > Customer: What's the difference in the paint? > > Shop Assistant: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint. > > Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint. > > Shop Assistant: When do you intend to use the paint? > > Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off. > > Shop Assistant: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. > > Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint? > > Shop Assistant: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. > But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and > continue painting until at least Sunday. > > Customer: You've got to be kidding! > > Shop Assistant: I'll check and see if we have any paint available. > > Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it! > > Shop Assistant: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell > only a certain number of litres on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, > the price per litre just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint. > > Customer: The price went up as we were talking? > > Shop Assistant: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times > day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint > yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as > possible. How many litres do you want? > > Customer: Well, maybe five litres. Make that six, so I'll have enough. > > Shop Assistant: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't > use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you > already have. > > Customer: WHAT? > > Shop Assistant: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall > and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you > will lose your remaining litres of paint. > > Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid > you for it! > > Shop Assistant: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is > used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems. > > Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't > keep painting until after Saturday night! > > Shop Assistant: Oh yes! Every litre you bought automatically becomes the > $200 paint. > > Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a litre" signs > > Shop Assistant: Well, that's for our budget paint. It only comes in > half-litres. One $5 half-litre will do half a room. The second half-litre to > complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and > there are no refunds, even on the empty cans. > > Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else! > > Shop Assistant: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your > bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, > but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone > but us. And I should > point out sir, that if you paint in only one > direction, it will be $300 a litre. > > Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200! > > Shop Assistant: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which > you started. A hallway is different. > > Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one > direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint. > > Shop Assistant: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on > your next litre of paint. But I believe you're getting it now sir. > > Customer: You're insane! > > Shop Assistant: But we're now THIS COUNTRY'S only paint supplier so don't go > looking for bargains! > > Thanks for painting with Qantas! > > -- > > Shalom! Rowland Croucher Rowland this is brilliant.!!! I love the way you're making nonsense out of an airline but in reality are poking fun at religion. If the Churches sold paint. Customer "Hi there, do you sell paint"? Cleric " We sure do, but first you must believe in our paint" Customer "Believe in a paint? but all I want is to do is slap it on my house" Cleric " Are you telling me you would paint your $435,000 house with something you don't believe in"? Customer "Well if you put it that way no, but how do I believe in a paint"? Cleric "Well we will instruct you how this paint was handed down to us from above and if you use it it will give your house ever lasting protection from the ravages of the sun. You must promise to believe in our promise or it won't work" Customer "Is that it?" Cleric "Well no not quite. You see there was some disagreement in the past about what paint actually was. Was it a liquid (as in the can), a solid (as on the wall) or plastic (as the gunk that dries on the brush). It was determined that it is all three. You must also agreed on the tri-nature of paint before you can use it." Customer "This is insane!" Cleric "Maybe so but thousands of satisfied customers would disagree" Customer "OK I'll have 20 litres of Brunswick Green thanks. In acrylic." Cleric "Sorry sir but we are an oil-based church here you''ll have to go up the road to the Baptists for water based. They are big on water." Customer "Look this is crazy, can Atheists get some paint somewhere." Cleric "Certainly sir...it's called a hardware store but you will have to choose your own paint there and it comes in a myriad of types and colours and the whole experience can be most confronting." Dave
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