MessageThe Heavenly Voicemail - (and you didn't think it could happen there!!).

Thank you. You have dialled 0077-777-777 and we thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1 For Hebrew press 2 For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for request Press 2 for thanksgiving Press 3 for complaints Press 4 for all others

I am sorry but all of our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. God, press 1 Jesus, press 2 Holy spirit, press 3 For a righteous Rabbi - we are still working on that one.

To find a loved one that already has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter their pin number and the date of their arrival here followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try dialling area code 666 to continue your search.)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life on other planets, evolution and why the good always seem to suffer, please wait until you arrive in heaven and the speak to one of our heavenly hosts - customer service missionaries.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today. Please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office will be closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor who has/usually has/should have a direct line to this office.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.