You Know You Are a Bad Cook When...

- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

- The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.

- Your microwave display reads "TILT!"

- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.

- Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

- You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

- Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.

- You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

- Your family prays AFTER they eat!