At 85 years of age old Albert breathed his last. He slipped out of his body and followed a bright light guiding him to heaven where he was greeted by God. Now Albert wasn't the sort to expect heaven but to his surprise was accepted there.

Albert settled down on a cloud with a harp and spent his days praising God with harp music. After a while he tired of this while the Christians who never swore, complained or said a word out of place started to get on his wick. He began to think of the bottles of whisky and women he had left behind.

One day he called God and asked what hell was like. God said it was a terrible place full of sinners. Albert thought it sounded like his sort of place but kept his thoughts to himself. He asked God if he could see it. God said yes and gave him a chit to take to Lucifer for a fortnight's stay. He then found himself in front of a massive dark door. He rang the bell.

"Well what do you want?"

Albert was confronted by a dapper man in a white suit with green socks and a polka dot tie.

"I am looking for Lucifer. I have a chit from God."

"Who do you think I am? Oh I get it, you were expecting a tail and cloven hooves. That is the story HE puts out to give me a bad name. Well you had better come in."

Albert looked around and was amazed. It was a beautiful area with trees and grass. He saw a man sitting on a seat with a beautiful girl in a very short skirt sitting on his lap. In the distance he saw endless lines of poker machines and roulette tables. Every machine had people around them playing furiously and shouting out with excitement every now and again. There were tables full of the most delicious food surrounded by very fat women stuffing themselves. Albert asked Lucifer what it was about. Lucifer explained hell was a place where everybody's fantasies were catered for. There were no rules and anyone could do what they liked. The gamblers dreamed of gambling forever and the fat women wanted to eat as much as they liked without worrying about their weight.

Albert selected a park bench and let his fantasies run wild. A beautiful in a brief bikini sat on his knee and plied him with endless whiskies and water. Albert sank into a whisky filled reverie. Then he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"It's time to go back." It was Lucifer.

"I don't want to go. I thought I could do what I like here."

"You can but this is HIS order not mine." So Albert went back to heaven. He was soon bored stiff again and thought of hell.

"God, I don't deserve to be here. I am an old reprobate as you know. I have been a drunkard and gambler and regularly played up on my long suffering wife. Please send me to Hell."

"Oh, but you are in Hell."

"How can that be? Surely these good people are all in heaven."

"Yes, but you have seen Hell, they haven't."

Bob Howard.