12/4/94
A Chapter for children
(of all ages)
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and
with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your
strength. (Mark 12:30)
It was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together
in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and
wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; that I know very
well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being
made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
(Psalm 139:13-15)
When the chief priests and the scribes saw the amazing things
that he did, and heard the children crying out in the temple,
'Hosanna to the Son of David,' they became angry and said to
him, 'Do you hear what these are saying?' Jesus said to them,
'Yes; have you never read, "Out of the mouths of infants and
nursing babies you have prepared praise for yourself"?'
(Matthew 21:15-16)
Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be
long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
(Exodus 20:12) My child, keep your father's commandment, and
do not forsake your mother's teaching. (Proverbs 6:20)
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
'Honor your father and mother'- this is the first commandment
with a promise: 'so that it may be well with you and you may
live long on the earth.' (Ephesians 6:1-3)
People were bringing even infants to him that he might touch
them; and when the disciples saw it, they sternly ordered
them not to do it. But Jesus called for them and said, 'Let
the little children come to me, and do not stop them; for it
is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. Truly I
tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a
little child will never enter it.' (Luke 18:15-17)
Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in
vain. Psalm 127:1.
Why does everyone (or almost everyone) love children? Partly
because little ones remind us of the pure innocence we once
experienced, but have left behind as we grew up. Just today,
Cathy, aged two, was handed back to her parents after a
four-day 'holiday' with us. She taught us so many things this
Easter weekend. She noticed birds and colours and sounds we
had taken for granted. She was full of spontaneous aliveness.
Looking into her face as she wondered, about the stars or the
story I read to her, was to look into the face of the
divine...
No one ever really stops being a child. The adult simply
suppresses the child that is deep within the reality of their
psyche with layers of sophisticated complexity and
seriousness.
Every child's history begins in the creative mind and heart
of God. God knew you were coming into the world from before
anything else was made. He knew exactly what you would be
like: 'In your book were written all the days that were
formed for me, when none of them as yet existed'. (Psalm
139:16)
Then, from the security of the womb you were thrust into a
frightening world. From earliest years the child needs to
experience belonging. 'You are to whom you belong': if a
child hears loving parents communicate 'You belong to us and
we love you' he or she is saved from becoming a psychopath
(people who felt they never belonged to anyone). Belonging
is also communicated through touch: you have heard of
hospitals years ago where children's wards emptied when
people cuddled and touched them. A man in New York joined 26
golf clubs but never really belonged to any of them. Why? He
never felt he belonged anywhere as he grew up.
Children need a regular, daily diet of human love and praise.
These should be given in a fully-focussed way, not from
behind the ironing or a newspaper. Rats, we all know, prefer
electric shocks to nothing at all. Children, too, if they
have to choose between being ignored or scolded, will be
naughty to get the latter.
Professor Selma H. Fraiberg in The Magic Years desribes how
human disasters have resulted in children being emotionally
deprived. Children orphaned by war early in life generally
are unable later to bond themselves with other people, or
experience tenderness, grief or shame. They become slow
learners, apathetic, a prey to many kinds of mental illness.
From age two a key question dominates: Do I have worth? If
you do not have a sense of worth, it's because you received
messages from significant others that you're 'not OK'. I am
not what I think I am, I am not what you think I am, I am
what I think you think I am. The self is a series of
reflected appraisals.
The two-year old also begins to learn the meaning of a little
word formed from the middle two letters of the alphabet -
'NO'. Parental discipline helps the child figure out the
difference between what is right and wrong, what is safe and
what is not.
My own father had a 'military belt' for what he regarded as
serious offences committed by his three sons. (There was a
church-going father in England who had a motto under his
belt, 'I need thee every hour'). My father used to quote
(from the Authorized version) 'Foolishness is bound in the
heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far
from him' (Proverbs 22:15). Discipline is necessary to teach
the child what is harmful. But the child must know that the
behaviour is being attacked not the self. Otherwise children
get the idea they are only loved when they are good, or
clever. So reject the behaviour, not the child. The child
should not believe 'I am only accepted when I please mum or
dad'. All children (of any age, including adults!) ought to
know they are loved for who they are not for what they do or
do not do. One of the worst things you can say to a child is
'God will not love you if you're naughty!' God loves us as we
are, naughty or good. Of course he loves us too much to be
happy with us staying the way we are. One of the tragedies
of our day is that children are not taught more about the God
Jesus described.
Child psychologist Dr. Maurice Balson has the view that most
problems in a child's behaviour stem from those children
having doubts about whether their parents respect them.
Respect is the happy mean between ignoring the child on the
one hand (remember when we were to be 'seen and not heard'?)
and pampering them, so that the child does not learn to solve
problems on their own sometimes. Respect means asking the
child to help you make some decisions, for example when
shopping ('should we buy pears or apples today?'). Respect
means never ridiculing a child's opinions, and making them
feel foolish. When discipline is related to respect, the
child gets the feeling that he or she is not living up to the
parents' high opinion of them (so smacking or yelling is
rarely, if ever, necessary). I like the 'time out' or
'thinking spot' idea, where children who have misbehaved are
given an opportunity to think about the consequences of their
behaviour before they can join in another activity.
So what makes a happy childhood? Feminist Germaine Greer (who
wrote a book with a haunting title, Daddy, We Hardly Knew
You), said 'Children come up just the same, brought or not.'
That's too simplistic. But so is behaviourist J.B.Watson's
view that depending on early conditioning the child could
become either a violent criminal or a genius.
I like noted child psychologist Bruno Bettelheim's concept of
the 'good enough parent'. What kinds of childhood experiences
cause an adult to look back and say they were well pleased
with the way they were raised? As a parent you may
occasionally become irrationally fed-up with your child, and
spank him or her too hard in your anger, but if there is a
genuine love and affection, and it is communicated to the
child in loving ways they'll be OK.
A parent is the architect who designs the rooms of the temple
in which the child will live for the rest of his or her life.
We learn to relate to other people by how our parents and
others relate to us. But no parent perfectly satisfies all
the deep needs of the soul in the child. All parents, in a
sense, sin against their children. Later the child in the
adult wants to blame their parents for who they have become.
One of the best maturity-producing 'aha!' moments a child
will ever have is when they realize the horrifying truth that
some of their needs will not be met by their parents.
Some psychologists talk about 'the too precious child': the
idea in some parents' minds that a single negative event may
ruin the 'fragile ego' for life. This is a heavy
responsibility to have on one's conscience. However, that is
not to say that painful experiences in childhood do not
discolour one's life, even one's whole life. Just this week a
man told me of a humiliating thing his father said after he
felt good about something he had done, then showed his dad:
he still shrivels a little inside, he told me, when he thinks
about his father's sarcastic reaction. And women who have
been sexually molested don't easily get over it.
In the 1980s we took up the idea of 'quality time' with our
children. This is a good notion, provided it doesn't mean
scheduling time away from leisure or chores because the kids
need you and you'd better pay attention to them. Perhaps
some this was really 'leftover time'.
Don't be too negative or scolding. Communicate in positive
ways - 'How was school today?'- rather than 'nag' all the
time: 'why aren't you dressed?' 'have you cleaned your
teeth?' Some child psychologists are telling us that
Anglo-Saxon parents are not good at being positive in
parenting. (My mother used to say: 'If you don't wear a
jumper when it's freezing, you'll get a cold, and that might
develop in pneumonia and you could die!').
Children, we said, need daily doses of love and praise.
Praise tells them they have competence: that they can do
something well. Every one of us has been created by God to
experience significance: not necessarily being more clever
than others, but with a strategic goal for our lives. In
effect we say to every child, 'Congratulations, you're
gifted!' Effective parents will tease out what a child does
best and encourage the child in those areas. And if parents
always finish projects their child starts those children may
eventually opt out or become workaholics. Children want to
join their parents in the work they do: to identify with
father and mother, before later moving away from them.
Recently I was told, 'Bill has had a breakdown' 'Why?' I
asked. 'Oh, he was made redundant.' Later in the conversation
I had to say, 'That was not the real reason he broke down.
Somewhere back in his formation he believed what he was worth
was defined by what he did, and how well others appreciated
what he did. His self-esteem was geared to positive or
negative feedback about his performance.'
So when what we perceive as needs are not met we experience
pain. Each of us has 'moments of existential despair': we
live in a terrifying world, where we cannot get everything we
want or need. This is where God comes in, I believe. You are
designed to enjoy a relationship with God. As Tolstoy said,
the soul is a God-shaped blank: only God can fit into it.
But within us there is a stubborn desire for independence:
that which Adam and Eve experienced is our experience too.
There is in all of us a clenched fist saying 'I will survive
without God.' Shirley Bassey has a song 'This is My Life!'
Frank Sinatra sings 'I did it my way!' Hell is the enjoyment
of one's own way forever, wrote Dorothy Sayers.
At some stage the mature person moves beyond dependence (my
self-worth is a function of what you do or say to me) through
independence (I'm going to make it on my own) to
interdependence (I need you and you need me, but we don't
have to be victims of each other's feedback). The stubborn
commitment to independence, if it continues too far into
adulthood, is manifested in too much self-sufficiency (I'll
manage my own life without anyone else's interference),
self-protection (I won't get close to people who are likely
to hurt me) or an exaggerated selfishness (I will put myself
first, and pursue only those things which enhance my own
well-being). Rather a mature person is able to grow through
experiences of helplessness, vulnerability, and humility.
To paraphrase a couplet of James Russell Lowell:
Children, of all ages, are God's apostles, day by day Sent
forth to preach of love, and hope, and peace.
All children everywhere have these rights:
To enjoy special protection;
To be given opportunities and facilities to enable them
to develop in a healthy and normal manner and in conditions
of freedom and dignity;
To have a name and a nationality from their birth;
To enjoy the benefits of social security, including
adequate nutrition, housing, recreation and medical services;
To receive special treatment, education and care of any
handicap;
To grow up in an atmosphere of affection and security,
wherever possible in the care and under the responsibility of
their own parents;
To receive education;
To be the first to receive protection and relief in times
of disaster;
To be protected against all forms of neglect, cruelty and
exploitation;
To be protected from practices which may foster any form
of discrimination.
Declarations of the Rights of the Child, United Nations,
1959, reaffirmed in 1979. [131]
Children have never been very good at listening to their
elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.
James Baldwin in Robert I. Fitzhenry (ed.), Chambers Book of
Quotations, Edinburgh: W&R Chambers Ltd., 1986, p.76. [19]
It seems children grow on praise... The more children receive
praise from their parents, they better they are able to
achieve.
Many parents fear that if they praise their children, the
children will get a swollen head and will not strive any
further. It seems this fear is misplaced. Children are more
likely to stop striving if they feel too anxious or depressed
about their failures and faults. One mother said, 'You should
praise your children often, then they will be able to
withstand the criticisms of others.' Most studies report on
praise for genuine achievement. Praise given indiscriminately
is probably not associated with achievement...
Studies of well-functioning families find a constant stream
of praise and affirmation of other family members running
through the conversation.
Moira Eastman, The Magical Power of Family, Blackburn:
Collins Dove, 1991, pp. 23-24. [126]
Regardless of the ambitions you have for your children,
your children have a mind of their own.
Allow your children to feel comfortable expressing their feelings and
even sharing their secrets.
Mentally prepare yourself to be patient and persistent.
It isn't money or social status which leads to family well-being.
Have faith in children so they may believe in themselves.
Don't withhold love.
Behaviour which is acknowledged or praised tends to be
repeated.
Patricia C. Bernard and Michael E. Bernard, The You Can Do It
Little Book for Parents, Blackburn: Collins Dove, 1993, pp.
1,2. [74]
God does things quite differently from us. When there is
trouble, we send a policeman, a soldier or a diplomat. He
sent a baby!... The American preacher, Halford Luccock, said
that whenever the ordering of society is discussed, whether
for nations or small groups, the first question is 'Who is
the greatest?' 'For about thirty centuries', he said, 'people
have discusssed that question'... Jesus took a small child,
placed him in the midst of them, put his arms around him, and
said, 'Whoever wants to be first, must place himself last.
Unless you reverse your attitude and become like this little
child, you will never enter the Kingdom of heaven'... In
Jewish society that was an incredible thing to do. In Gentile
society of the period, it was unthinkable. The worth of a
child was seriously questioned.
Neil Adcock, Child in the Midst, NSW Baptist, Nov/Dec 1993,
p.25. [148]
Recently I wrote and recorded a series of sound cassettes for
use by children in primary schools. A number of teachers
listened to the tapes and... put forward some good ideas to
improve them. This was 'teacher' domain and I respected it.
However, I was told that one narration would have to be
changed because it 'put children down' and was 'patronising'.
The reason given was that it suggested I knew more than the
children and that I was less awkward than them. In reply, I
explained that what really puts children down is assuming
that they will be offended by being told the simple truth
that an adult knows more than they do. Children are more
intelligent than that; more charitable, too, in accepting
such facts with goodwill. I went on to say that if I had been
talking to the children in a class I would have explained the
difference between us this way 'You don't know as much as me,
not because I'm smarter but because I'm older and have been
around more. You are clumsier than me in some ways - don't
know how to use your limbs as smoothly perhaps - because I've
been using mine for years longer than you. It's like learning
the piano. Somebody who has been at it for ten years must be
better at it than somebody who took it up last week. Right?'
This is the kind of talk which presents facts to children in
a way they understand.
Keith Smith, How to Get Closer to Your Children, Surrey Hills
NSW: Waratah Press, 1985, pp.58-59. [248]
We need love's tender lessons taught
As only weakness can;
God hath his small interpreters;
The child must teach the man.
John Greenleaf Whittier, Child-Songs quoted in Carol
Tannenhauser and Cheryl Moch(eds.) ,In Celebration of Babies,
New York: Ballantine Books, Fawcett Columbine, 1987, p.57.
[21]
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and
daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through
you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they
belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they
have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies, but not
their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of to-morrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may
strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You
are the bow from which your children as living arrows are
sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the
infinite, and he bends you with his might that his arrows may
go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be
for gladness; for even as he loves the arrow that flies, so
he loves also the bow that is stable.
Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, Heinemann 1926 (reprinted 1974),
pp.20,23. [173]
Syndicated columnist Mike Royko spoke for many when he
recently declared, 'I enjoy TV trash as much as the next
slob. But the quality of truly trashy trash has declined'...
One reflection of viewer restlessness is the tendency toward
'grazing' in their nightly viewing - using remote controls to
switch stations in the middle of a program. According to a
major survey for Channels magazine in 1988, 48.5 percent of
all viewers regularly change programs during a show - and
nearly 60 percent of viewers in the crucial
eighteen-to-thirty-four age group. 'Grazing is by definition
a sign of dissatisfaction,' explained James Webster,
professor of communications of Northwestern University.
Michael Medved Hollywood Vs. America, New York:
HarperCollins, 1993 pp.5-6. [106]
The illusions of childhood are necessary experiences. A child
should not be denied a balloon because an adult knows sooner
or later it will burst.
Marcelene Cox, Ladies' Home Journal quoted in Carol
Tannenhauser and Cheryl Moch(eds.) ,In Celebration of Babies,
New York: Ballantine Books, Fawcett Columbine, 1987, p.139.
[25]
Kids are not the 'adults of the future'. I wince when I hear
some church elders use this expression. To say this is to
deny kids any status or value in the present. They exist now
as persons in a specific developmental stage. They may be in
another developmental stage in six months' time. Sometimes
kids are aware of this rate of change. Sometimes they find it
frightening. What they need is to be valued, loved and
discipled right now. It is not healthy to infer that they
will be valued at some later stage (when given adult status).
Ted Endacott, 'Discipling Kids' in On Being, Vol.20, No.5,
June 1993, p.31. [99]
Is it fair to be stuck to a painful past? Is it fair to be
walloped again and again by the same old hurt? Vengeance is
having a videotape planted in your soul that cannot be turned
off. It plays the painful scene over and over again inside
your mind. It hooks you into its instant replays. And each
time it replays, you feel the clap of pain again. Is it fair?
Forgiving turns off the videotape of pained memory. Forgiving
sets you free. Forgiving is the only way to stop the cycle of
unfair pain turning in your memory.
Lewis B. Smedes, 'Forgiveness: The Power to Change the Past',
Christianity Today, January 7, 1983, p.26. [100]
Why do children seem to love teachers who are the strongest
disciplinarians? [This] statement is only partially true. No
one likes a mean old grouch, even if he does maintain strict
order. [But] children are drawn to the teacher who can
control a class without sacrificing an attitude of love and
pleasantness. And that is a highly developed art which most
topnotch teachers have discovered. Children love good
disciplinarians primarily because they are afraid of each
other and want the security of a leader who can provide a
safe atmosphere. Anything can happen in the absence of adult
leadership.
James Dobson, Discipline While You Can, Eastbourne: Kingsway,
1987, p.85. [99]
Lord, bless our children, and bless them through us. Help us
to be genuinely interested in what they are doing. Remind us
that children can read feelings very well, and quickly
recognize insincerity. Give us an ability to adjust to the
quick shifts of a child's mind. Our children use actions
rather than words in expressing feelings or problems: give
us humour and understanding in relating to them at these
difficult times.
May our children know, without a shadow of doubt, that they
are loved, and respected, that they belong, they are worthy
of praise, and are special and unique.
Lord, keep the child alive within us all. Help us to enjoy
play and fun and stories, to delight in wondrous things and
the world of the imagination, to listen to the sounds and see
the colours around us, to be trusting and unafraid, because
our trust is in you.
So may our children learn to love and trust you because they
have experienced your love and trust in our lives with them.
May they increasingly experience hope and purpose, knowing
that you are their special Parent, loving and guiding them
always. Amen.
Father, look kindly on your children who put their trust in
you; bless them and keep them from all harm, strengthen them
against the attacks of the devil. May they never offend you
but seek to love you in all they do. We ask this through
Christ our Lord.
Daily Mass Book, Brisbane, The Liturgical Commission, 1990,
p.38. [49]
A Benediction
May your home be a foretaste of the joys of heaven.
May your laughter and fun be a reminder of the joy of the
Lord.
May you have faith and hope and courage and wisdom in times
of hardship and difficulty.
May the living God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, bless you
always.
Amen.
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