FATHERS 'Yeah,' he said. 'You could write it down for her.' So I said, 'OK, son, let's say I had both my arms amputated, and I can't write with my feet. Would she know I loved her?' 'Yes,' he said. 'I'd tell her for you.' 'Wait,' I said. 'How would you know I loved her?' Long pause. 'By the way you treat her,' he said. It took about five minutes to get him to the point. But eventually he saw that love goes deeper than words.

Josh McDowell, 'Love is Shown by Actions' in LaVonne Neff et. al., Practical Christianity, Wheaton, Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers Inc., 1988, p. 232.

~~

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

Theodore Hesburgh in Robert I. Fitzhenry (ed.), Chambers Book of Quotations, Edinburgh: W&R Chambers Ltd., 1986, p.125.

~~

A father needs to be willing to be finite and mortal in his children's eyes... The image which needs to be shattered is that fathers are the ones who know all the answers, can take charge in all situations, are always right and never make mistakes. What needs to be communicated is that fathers do have a great responsibility in the home but that it is possible for fathers to misunderstand a situation, to make wrong judgements, to get their own ego involved in a situation, and to need forgiveness.

Kenneth Chaffin, Is There A Family In The House?, Minneapolis, Minnesota: World Wide Publications, 1978, pp. 92-93.

~~

When a father now sits down at the table, he seems weak and insignificant, and we all sense that fathers no longer fill as large a space in the room as nineteenth-century fathers did. Some welcome this, but without understanding all its implications. These events have worked to hedge the father around with his own paltriness. D.H.Lawrence said: 'Men have been depressed now for many years in their male and resplendent selves, depressed into dejection and almost abjection. Is that not evil?' As the father seems more and more enfeebled, dejected, paltry, he also appears to be a tool of dark forces. We remember that in Star Wars we are given the image of 'Darth Vader', a pun on dark father. He is wholeheartedly on the side of the dark forces. As political and mythological kings die, the father loses the radiance he once absorbed from the sun, or from the hierarchy of solar beings; he strikes society as being endarkened... In our time, when the father shows up as an object of ridicule... on television, or a fit field for suspicion (as he does in Star Wars), or a bad-tempered fool (when he comes home from the office with no teaching), or a weak puddle of indecision (as he stops inheriting kingly radiance), the son has a problem. How does he imagine his own life as a man? Some sons fall into a secret despair. They have probably adopted, by the time they are six, their mother's view of their father, and by twenty will have adopted society's critical view of fathers, which amounts to a dismissal.

Robert Bly, Iron John: A Book About Men, New York: Vintage Books, 1992, pp. 98-99.

~~

As University of Utah psychologist Michael Lamb puts it, 'Fathers are not merely occasional mother-substitutes: they interact with infants in a unique and differentiable way.' Whereas mothers tend to talk to or cuddle with their kids or play with dolls, blocks and puzzles, fathers naturally engage in physical activities... As a result of these different playing styles, children often look to their mothers for warmth, quiet-time activities, and verbal stimulation, while they value their fathers as wonderful playmates who introduce them to the world at large. Both are important... Father-play tends to be lively, unpredictable, imaginative and obviously exciting... Not only are these differences normal, they are crucial to a child's development. Each parenting style teaches your child different things about the world. Mother's approach informs him that the world can be cuddly, safe, nurturing and supportive. Father's process lets him know that it can be all of those things but also jostling, unsettling, fun and surprising.

Mitch Golant and Susan Golant, Finding Time For Fathering, New York: Ballantine Books, Fawcett Columbine, 1992, pp. 45-46.

~~

One of the great distorting idolatries of our day is the confusion between the standard of living and the quality of life. It is no wonder that so many books are being written about fatherhood at the moment for it has rarely been the case that so many men who purport to believe in 'family values' while in church are so absent from the home during the week. Many men leave home early in the morning, leave work late at night and even work at weekends. They may believe that men are the decision makers in the family, but it is their women who make the decisions. They may believe the man is the head of the household but the household has to function without him. They may believe that the man should take the spiritual initiative but they are too shattered to pray. Such men will improve the quality of their relationships only if they make more time for those relationships. In a world in which time is money, this means that they must accept a lower standard of living, less status and less power.

Roy McCloughty, 'The Yoke Of Masculinity', On Being, Vol.20, No.7, August 1993, pp.17-18.

~~

Fathers send subtle and not-so-subtle messages to both their sons and daughters about how men walk, talk, dress, relate to one another, and relate to women. These lessons are important. Without them, our children would have a void in their lives. Statistics show that boys who are reared without a father * have greater difficulty relating to other men * don't know how to treat women * have a higher rate of divorce * don't know how to raise their own sons. Daughters who are raised without a father figure * have more difficulty relating to men * may turn to sexuality as their only means of relating * have a harder time choosing a husband * and divorce those men at a higher rate than other women.

Thomas Whiteman, Ph.D. with Randy Petersen, The Fresh Start Single Parenting Workbook, Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1993, p.166.

~~

A man's personal relationship with God often mimics his relationship with his father. The overall result of father wound on the religious life of most men is that they tend to be spiritually passive and inactive. They may come to church, but they are not really there. They may hear a sermon intellectually, but its message may never penetrate their hearts enough to make a difference in their lives. They may serve as ushers and shake people's hands before and after the service or as elders who make financial and policy decisions for the church, but they often cannot make themselves connect with what church is really about. They can't connect enough to be fully involved with heart, mind, and soul... Lacking a feeling connection in their relationship with God, most men feel inadequate to be the spiritual leaders they know they should be, so they feel shamed. They tend to withdraw from the church, leaving even less male leadership for the next generation... If your church is like most churches, women either design or run a high percentage of its programs. The fact is, today's church is primarily a feminine church. By saying this, I do not mean to imply that I am anti-feminine. However, I must ask, 'Where are the men?' Where are the men who are spiritually alive? Who have a fire in their bellies - a passion to grow towards God, a passion to grow as men, and a passion to grow toward other men? Who are willing to take bold risks in their faith? Where are the men who will take action in sharing the gospel of Christ? Who will live out their faith through active involvement in the Christian church community? The church desperately needs the involvement of such men, yet they are difficult to find. For generations, men have been wounded by the lack of male leadership and modeling of spiritual truth by older men. Consequently, men are greatly shamed when they realize that they should be spiritual leaders, teachers and models, yet have no idea how to assume those roles. Many men would rather abandon the church (either physically or emotionally)

than deal with these feelings of shame and inadequacy.

Dr. Earl R. Henslin, Man to Man, Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1993, pp.79, 80-81.

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Lord God, father of us all, you have entrusted me with these little people, and it's an awesome responsibility. I am stretched beyond my limits: I'm supposed to be the provider of food and shelter and clothing and answers for school homework; chauffeur, gardener/janitor, financier, and fixer of everything. I am supposed to model what it means to live and to love; and to represent you as priest in my home. They're big responsibilities. Lord, I have found that it's easier for a father to have children than for children to have a father. The emotional demands of work, financial pressures, marriage, and lots of other things leave me with little left over for the kids. Help me to compose myself before I reach home each day so that I am available for my family. Help me to be a growing person, so that out of the reservoir of spiritual and emotional strength I will have some energy to give to my wife and children. Help me to understand myself, my past, my strengths and my limits, my masculine and my feminine traits, my anger, my fears, my weaknesses. What I say to my children may not be heard by the world, but it will be heard by posterity. These kids are like wax, and are being formed into something beautiful or terrible, and I carry a big responsibility for the outcome. May they always know that there is nothing or no-one more valuable to me than they are. So, hear my confession of ignorance and failure; cleanse me from all selfishness; and forgive my ignorance. Help me to forgive my own father for his faults and failings: I am not responsible for them, but for me. Help me to love my children's mother. May I be a good priest in my home. And when the Great Day comes and I will stand before you my king and my judge, I would like to hear you say, 'Well done, good and faithful father, Your children have delighted in you, and you are blessed.' Amen.

A Benediction May God the Father, Jesus our Friend, the Holy Spirit our counselor and teacher, empower you so that you may empower others. May the demands and the pain of fathering be for you a challenge rather than a burden. May your years with your children be the happiest in your life. Amen.

~~

Rowland Croucher, The Family: At Home in a Heartless World, HarperCollins, 1995.