Parenting Teenagers

Thinking maturely about the Christian faith

Search

// you’re reading...

Family

Parenting Teenagers

By Rowland Croucher and others ⋅ May 23, 2002 ⋅ Post a comment

PARENTING TEENAGERS

This is the story of the family of Jacob. Joseph, being seventeen years old, was shepherding the flock with his brothers; he was a helper to the sons of Bilhah and Zilpah, his father’s wives; and Joseph brought a bad report of them to their father. Now Israel loved Joseph more than any other of his children, because he was the son of his old age; and he had made him a long robe with sleeves. But when his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him, and could not speak peaceably to him. Once Joseph had a dream, and when he told it to his brothers, they hated him even more. (Genesis 37:2-5) Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (Colossians 3:13) How very good and pleasant it is when kindred live together in unity! (Psalm 133:1) And when he was twelve years old, they went up as usual for the festival. When the festival was ended and they started to return, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but his parents did not know it. Assuming that he was in the group of travelers, they went a day’s journey. Then they started to look for him among their relatives and friends. When they did not find him, they returned to Jerusalem to search for him. After three days they found him in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. And all who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him they were astonished; and his mother said to him, ‘Child, why have you treated us like this? Look, your father and I have been searching for you in great anxiety.’ He said to them, ‘Why were you searching for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?’ But they did not understand what he said to them. (Luke 2:42-50) Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid. (John 14:27) May the God of steadfastness and encouragement grant you to live in harmony with one another, in accordance with Christ Jesus. (Romans 15:5) Then Jesus said, ‘There was a man who had two sons. The younger of them said to his father, “Father, give me the share of the property that will belong to me.” So he divided his property between them. A few days later the younger son gathered all he had and traveled to a distant country, and there he squandered his property in dissolute living. When he had spent everything, a severe famine took place throughout that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed the pigs. He would gladly have filled himself with the pods that the pigs were eating; and no one gave him anything. But when he came to himself he said, “How many of my father’s hired hands have bread enough and to spare, but here I am dying of hunger! I will get up and go to my father, and I will say to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son; treat me like one of your hired hands.’” So he set off and went to his father. But while he was still far off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms around him and kissed him. Then the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his slaves, ‘Quickly, bring out a robe – the best one – and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. And get the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate.’ (Luke 15:11-23) Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore, love is the fulfilling of the law. (Romans 13:10) I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9) If any of you is lacking in wisdom, ask God, who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and it will be given you. (James 1:5) Finally, all of you, have unity of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse; but, on the contrary, repay with a blessing. It is for this that you were called – that you might inherit a blessing. (1 Peter 3:8-9)

Bringing up teenagers is more complicated than getting an honours degree or managing a large business. Almost every other kind of person is, at least, fairly predictable! If a teenager feels that his or her sense of self-worth was not met during childhood, they embark on a search for status: and, like children of all ages, negative attention from bad behaviour will be preferred to no attention at all! If the need for perceived competence has not been met they will over- (or under-) emphasize performance. If the need for belonging has not been met they will be angry. Their acting-up has the script: ‘I can’t trust you: but no one else is going to reject me; I will reject them first.’ The heading on that page of the script is either guilt (I am bad) or hostility (you are bad). There are many devices to dull the pain in adolescents, one of which is ‘raging’ with loud music, another is drugs. Others begin running, traveling, to get away from it all. If there was a problem with ‘belonging’ in childhood, adolescents may become preoccupied with their appearance. If their natural mood-swings lead into prolonged depression, get help. Sometimes a teenager does not know how to deal with bottled-up anger, and may become suicidal, or have constant headaches or stomachaches, or develop body rashes. Again, get help. Unhappy teenagers sometimes drop out of school, form intense liaisons with a gang, or a friend of the opposite sex: if a hasty teenage marriage results, it will have an 85% chance of dissolving within two years. Deep down, most children and teenagers have felt they were guilty for their parents’ not liking them. So they put themselves down, but later, if they get some indication that they were worth loving after all, they may become very angry. Well, as a parent of teenagers you may not feel confident much of the time, but if you try hard with love and honesty, you’ll reap some great rewards. Young people are likable, they’re asking lots of questions, and are responsive to adult interest. As we saw in the chapters on men and women, it is vital for teenagers to receive adult input into their maturation during these formative years. The father is crucial here: when his daughter starts developing into a woman, she is asking, basically, one key question: ‘Will I be attractive to guys?’ The father (or another loving, safe older male) is the generic interpreter of masculine responses to her beauty. If she gets the message that some young fellow will be very lucky to catch her one day, and if that message is sincere, it will do wonders for her self-esteem. Lots of surveys show that a woman’s happiness and even her sexual fulfilment in marriage, is correlated highly with how well her father loved her as a young teenager. Similarly, the young male needs to be initiated into manhood. It hardly matters what they do together, so long as the boy feels he’s important enough for dad to spend time with. It can be serious discussion or adventuring (Why not organize something like a white-water rafting trip with other fathers and sons?) Above all, dad needs to talk and to listen, very attentively. I had a father who, from my memory of him, never talked to me, seemed not to be interested in my hobbies and school work (he was interested in the report card!), and seemed intimidated by his aggressively questioning son. I was not rude to him, but in my worst moments I despised him. I tended to be creative, he was a public servant with a boring job. I loved reading, he said ‘fiction’ would do me no good. I wanted to excell in sport; he said I was at school to get good results to avoid a ‘dead-end job’. Fortunately a Sunday school teacher rescued me, and virtually initiated me into manhood probably without his, or my, knowing it at the time. He listened to my dreams; affirmed me in the areas of my talents; he taught me to drive, and how a car works. I will be eternally grateful to George Clark for his interest and encouragement. After writing that paragraph I’ve been for a long walk (and pray) with our remaining teenager Lindy. She felt drained, she said, and needed to externalize it all. The hour was very precious (and later she said the problems that were burdening her were lifted in that hour). Friends of ours were going to buy a house they didn’t like, but it was near a railway station. I asked why there? Their response: so we won’t have to drive our kids everywhere. Why don’t you want to drive your teenagers around? They won’t be home much longer and you’ll wish you’d spent more time chauffeuring. (They bought a house a full kilometre from the station). Between our two sets of teenagers I read Ross Campbell’s immensely useful book, How to Really Love Your Teenager. (I wish it – or something like it – had been written earlier). Some of his suggestions are still vivid: * Adolescents need more family time, not less; * Find time regularly to spend alone with each of your children; * With teenagers becoming more independent, parents are liable to make the mistake of using their greater free time to meet their own pleasure needs: every teenager interprets this as rejection; * Take your teenager to a restaurant regularly (choose the one with the slowest service); * Make eye contact with your teenager: if a father does not look into the eyes of his daughter she’ll wonder why she is not attractive to him; * ‘Focussed attention’ is emotionally draining for you, but it is the only way for a teenager’s ‘emotional tank’ to stay full; * Don’t force your teenager to talk about anything in particular: let them choose the subject-matter and the timing (which, if it’s important, will sometimes be at the last few minutes of a car dive before you arrive home – that’s a safety ‘escape’ if it’s embarrassing or difficult). One thing teenagers need more than anything else is unconditional love. The father of the prodigal son is our model here. Whatever happens, your teenager needs to hear you say, ‘You will always be loved by us. We may tell you when your behaviour is not what we would desire, but you, as our son/daughter will always be special to us whatever you do, whatever you look like, however well you perform.’ I like this wisdom from James Dobson in Discipline While You Can about parenting adolescents: ‘Our objective as parents, then, is to do nothing for boys and girls which they can profit from doing for themselves.’ He suggests three phrases to guide us: * ‘Hold on with an open hand’ (they must accept the consequences of their choices). * ‘Hold them close and let them go’ (the tendency is to retain control in order to avoid hearing the wrong reply to the question ‘Did I train them properly?’). * ‘If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then it’s yours. If it doesn’t return, then it never was yours in the first place.’ (pp.202-203). The teenage years, I believe, are God’s time for building on or breaking up the foundations. Teenagers begin to realize that they must make choices their parents cannot now make for them. More people make serious commitments to Christ in this period than any other. So hang in there: your modeling of patient love (even in the midst of sometimes severe provocation) will be an example your teenage children will never forget.

As our children go and take on their own identities, painfully banging them together little piece by little piece, just as we did before, the process repeating from generation to generation, those identities may be in conflict with ours. ‘I am not the mother of a fifteen-year-old who wears one black sneaker and one white,’ says a parent, incredulously, or ‘That kid with the one earring clearly can’t be mine. There’s got to be an emotional problem. Got to get him to see somebody.’ Or conversely, the new ‘straight’ kid who says, ‘Hey, Dad, you dress like a hippie, you know that? You’re out of it!’ We adults sometimes feel as if our identities, our very reasons for being, are under seige… Growing up also means growing away, becoming someone separate from parents in meaningful ways. The conflict between parent and child is often over which meaningful ways. It gives truth to the expression, ‘You can’t win for losing.’ The house as haven begins to lose meaning on one level, for the child is preparing, bit by bit, to leave the nest. On another, the aspect of haven becomes terribly important, for it is the one place where you may go to rest, to go forth again to take up battle for the self. Alas, the house itself becomes a battleground as we parents feel challenged, threatened, not wishing to give up our hold on ‘our’ children. Thus, control becomes …[an] issue. Another irony: Children control us with their behaviour, while we attempt to control them with our words. Who’s in charge here, indeed? Dr Jeffrey and Dr Carol Rubin, When Families Fight, NY: William Morrow & Co. 1989, pp.184-185. [257] Teenagers can be so darned superior and, with the first tingling of adulthood, hurtful and even insolent, especially to parents. ‘I wish you were dead!’ is a favourite exclamation when things are not going their way, or ‘Ahhh, the Great Man speaks!’ when a father chides his son for something. We would be loth to accept without reprisal such insults from people of our own age, but we should not become upset now. We must quell our pride and remember that this is a passing phase. Liken it, if you like, to bedwetting, cuts and bruises, picking the nose, squinting, and other problems which came and went when the children were small. One day they may recall their rudeness and be sorry, but probably not until they have had kids of their own and faced a similar barrage. It is hard to remain silent when adolescents mouth that old bit about ‘the rotten world we will inherit from the older generation’, a myth spread by adults who should have known better… Of course, not all parents have problems with their teenage sons and daughters. I have been told of families in which the children’s transition from childhood to young manhood or womanhood proceeded without a ripple… Somehow, such families seem rather dull. In fact, I admire young people with firm opinions on things, even if they know little about them; at least they don’t bottle it up. Keith Smith, How to Get Closer to your Children, Surrey Hills, NSW, Australia: Waratah Press, 1985, pp.164-165. [237] The job of parents is to encourage their teenager’s own sense of responsibility. In ‘parents win’ families teenagers have little opportunity to develop self-responsibility. In ‘teenager wins’ families what happens is usually what the teenager wants. The parent may have an idea of what should happen and try to persuade the teenager to adopt it. But the teenager – usually operating from an ‘I win’ style – has his own ideas. He tries to persuade the parent to adopt those. If that persuasion fails, then the teenager uses his power – and teenagers can be just as powerful as parents. Teenagers may use emotional blackmail, threats of violence, tantrums, they may storm out… The problem with such a situation is that teenagers may develop strong feelings of insecurity about their parents’ feelings for them. For the parents’ attitude may become dominated both by feelings of resentment at being dominated and guilt at failing as a parent… In turn, the teenagers learn very self-centred, controlling ways of behaving. They do not learn to respect other people’s needs and may have difficulty in forming relationships with friends as equals, based on mutual respect. They come to believe that their own wants and needs are always the most important. They may find it very difficult when they have to cope with institutions like school and work where some adults may be working in the ‘I win’ styles. For, above all, they learn that the ‘I win’ style works for them – at least at home. Being a parent of a teenager in such a ‘teenager wins’ family is seldom fun. By definition, parents do not find that their needs as people count for much. They get little satisfaction as parents and may feel a failure for reasons they cannot fathom, and once the pattern is set, cannot change. Dr. Cliff Schimmels, Surviving the Terrible Teenage Years, Illinois: LifeJourney Books, 1991, p.21. [336] Classic descriptions of the factors in family life which contribute to young people’s individual development include – * Provision of stable bonds, serving as a basis for the individual’s growing circle of relationships outside the family. * Provision of models to follow by imitation or identification. * Degree to which parents establish a set of attitudes which the individual may follow or rebel against. * Degree to which the family acts as a secure base from which an individual can test new ways of exploring and responding to the environment. L. Owen, ‘Some Observations on the Themes of I.Y.Y. 1985 – part 2′ Australian Child and Family Welfare, Spring 1985, p.14. [85] I, for one, cannot feel love for my teenagers all the time. But I will give myself credit for trying to arrive at that wonderful goal of loving them unconditionally. I help myself by constantly keeping in mind that: * Teenagers are children. * Teenagers will tend to act like teenagers. * Much of teenage behaviour is unpleasant. * If I do my part as a parent and love them despite their unpleasant unbehaviour, they will be able to mature and give up their immature ways. * If I love them only when they please me (conditional love), and convey my love to them only during those times, they will not feel genuinely loved. This in turn will make them feel insecure, damage their self-image, and actually prevent them from developing more mature behaviour. Therefore their behaviour development is as much my responsibility as theirs. * If I love them unconditionally, they will feel good about themselves and be comfortable with themselves. They will be able to control their anxiety and, in turn, their behaviour, as they grow into adulthood. Ross Campbell, How to Really Love Your Teenager, Wheaton, Illinois: Victor Books, 1987, p.25. [175] Could alcohol be a part of the life of a teenager close to you? Materials from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services describe some of the early warning signs: * Abrupt changes in mood or attitude * Sudden decline in attendance or performance at work or school * Sudden resistance to discipline at home or school * Impaired relationship with family or friends * Ignoring curfews * Unusual temper flare-ups * Increased borrowing of money, possibly stealing from home, school, or employer * Increased secrecy about possessions, actions, and use of money * Associating with a new group of friends who use booze and other drugs Could alcohol be a big part of your life? Jerry Johnson, It’s Killing Our Kids, Dallas: Word Publishing, 1991, p.41. [110] ‘U.S. News & World Report’, September 11, 1989, reports that it is a rare case, indeed, when an illegal drug user does not start with tobacco, alcohol, or marijuana, and well over 95 percent of marijuana users learn to inhale by starting with tobacco. The entrance drugs for illegal drugs are ‘legal’ drugs. Over one hundred times as many lives are lost each year because of tobacco and alcohol as are lost because of illegal drugs (Dallas Morning News, October 9, 1989). NOTE: We lost 106,000 men and women in World War II. We lose 390,000 each YEAR to tobacco and 150,000 to alcohol. Jerry Johnson, It’s Killing Our Kids, Dallas: Word Publishing, 1991, p.205. [96] Dr. Samuel Miller once observed with great wisdom that the realities of success and failure with one’s peers have become in our day what salvation and damnation were in the Middle Ages. Back then, the thing a person feared most was displeasing God and ‘falling into the hands of an angry Deity.’ But today all of that is changed. We really do not give much thought to the ultimate dimension of our existence. Our hopes and fears are more immediate; they center on the opinions of our contemporaries. To most of us here, the most hideous of all possibilities would be to fail in the eyes of our friends and coworkers. To have a job and then lose it, or to own a fine house and be forced to sell it, or to have a child go a route that deviates from the accepted path of advancement – these are the terrors that haunt the souls of us modern folk. To have and do and be just like the other ‘people of distinction’ is our substitute for heaven and salvation. John Claypool, from an unpublished sermon. [182] Perhaps the best help a parent can offer… is to help the junior higher see beyond the present… Spend some time with your child reflecting about what life is going to be. Talk of adult things such as work, marriage, and family. Give her some adultlike responsibility. If you promise not to tell, I’ll share my secret weapon, which I save for my children when they are struggling through these critical periods of reidentification. I find a vacant parking lot somewhere, and I teach them how to drive. You would be amazed at how much thirty minutes at the wheel in an isolated parking lot can do for a thirteen year old’s morale! Dr. Cliff Schimmels, Surviving the Terrible Teenage Years, Illinois: LifeJourney Books, 1991, p.21. [108] The principle of letting the punishment fit the crime is sound. Perhaps the following guidelines will help: * If the issue is more serious and requires some form of punishment, talk over the problem with your partner and decide on a suitable consequence. * The most effective punishment is one that is completed quickly; ones that extend over weeks will lose their impact and lead to resentment. * Teenagers will respond to parents who are seen to be fair and just. * Avoid drawing comparisons with others whose behaviour is more desirable. * Target the behaviour and not the person. It is important to differentiate between saying ‘You’re cheap’, and ‘That makes you seem cheap’. * Select a punishment that will have an impact. It is pointless to deny them TV when they never watch anyway. * The punishment should be seen as wiping the slate clean again. It is very destructive to build up a case record against them, that is used whenever the need arises, as this leads to a ‘can’t win’ mentality in the teenager: ‘My record is so bad, I’ve got nothing to lose’. * When the punishment is concluded, parents should be able to show that there are no residual grudges. * Try and be creative with the punishment as this is more likely to appeal to their sense of justice; remember that fairness and justice are big issues for teenagers and, while they may be angry at being punished, they will also see its rightness. * Try to retain a sense of humour through it all, then it will be seen as good parenting, not retribution. Terry Colling and Janet Vickers, Teenagers: A Guide to Understanding Them, Moorebank NSW: Bantam Books, 1988 pp.28-29. [262] Less than a generation ago children grew up in the family home, stayed on as young adults until they got married. Our fledgling adults are now flying earlier and often further away. Some leave because they can no longer endure the emotional fall-out from warring parents. Most are seeking independence, a chance to run their own lives, to be accepted as adults. But the transition will be a tougher challenge than expected for the young person. They will need new disciplines, and will experience new loneliness. And the parents will feel rejection; some will refuse to cooperate and may distance themselves from their children, perhaps for ever. If letting go is done with love and respect your child will always come back – whether he or she actually lives at home or not. The following guidelines (suggested by Patrick Farrell, Director of the Marriage and Family Counseling section of the Cairnmillar Institute in Melbourne) may help: * Recognize that your child’s wish for independence indicates the success of your parenting rather than any failure on your part. * See this as a turning-point in your relationship with your child, the transition from parent-child to adult-adult. If you handle it right you may lose your child but you’ll have gained a friend and kept your son/daughter. * Participate in the move, as far as you are permitted, to show your child that you are supporting this move into adulthood, not abandoning him/her. Suggest a shared set-up: most young adults are rarely able to cope with the unnacustomed loneliness of living alone. Some furnishings should be taken from the child’s room, but some should also be left behind. And if renting for the first time there might need to be some warnings about unscrupulous landlords. Offer your advice as a friend, not as an examiner. * Be available for advice and encouragement, but don’t force it. It’s not your life you are organizing. Wait till your young adult is ready before you visit the new ‘digs’. And don’t poke around or criticize. * Recognize the time your child grows up and moves out of the family home as the re-establishment of the relationship of parents as a couple. You’ll miss your child, but don’t brood on your loss. With more time together you and your spouse can concentrate on each other, plan a new life together unhindered by the day-to-day responsibilities of caring for another adult around the place. * Because, rightly or wrongly (depending on the age and maturity of the girl) we feel a daughter is more vulnerable than a son outside the security of the family home, many parents tend to overreact when their daughter expresses the desire to leave. This overreaction can take the form of outrage or anger. If this is your initial reaction, explain to your daughter that it is caused by your concern and your love for her. Then discuss the pros and cons of the proposed move. You will still have to let her go (eventually), but she won’t have to make a major statement about her need for independence by moving out prematurely, matching her anger to yours. Glenda Banks, Your Guide to Successful Family Living, Blackburn: Dove Communications, 1985, abridged from pages 142-147. [566]

A prayer for parents of teenagers:

Lord God, I’m needing you right now, especially now. I didn’t get an instruction manual telling me how to bring up teenagers. Life didn’t seem so complicated when I was young. (But then, as I reflect on it, I wasn’t too happy – or good – all the time back then either.) Help me to realize that becoming separate is not just an issue for teenage, it starts from birth. May I not forget that the process we are struggling with is one of which we already have some experience. Also, themes of freedom, responsibility, trust, discipline, mutual respect, having one’s own opinions run through childhood as well as teenage. Sometimes I forget that the child is not overnight changed into a teenager. Give me the patience and genuine interest when my child needs to be able to air his views. My child needs to have her own opinions and I want to respect those opinions as I have asked her to respect mine. May I not be threatened when a desire for freedom is expressed by my teenager. It does not matter – teenager or child – provided they grow up to be responsible. Help me to understand the external pressures my teenager faces from peers, the internal pressures from biology, and the incorporated messages of parents and society about what is desirable and ‘right’. The adolescent’s ‘job’ is to become somebody in these years, despite the stresses. When I’m tempted to say, ‘It’s about time you grew up,’ give me an awareness that it doesn’t happen just like that, like magic. May I pray faithfully for my child, my teenager, my soon-to-become an independent adult. May I develop a relationship that will blossom into a good friendship as we grow together, learn together, and, hopefully, trust you together. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

A Benediction

May the eternal God, who has helped others before you in similar – and sometimes worse – predicaments and challenges, give you a firm assurance of his love, and wisdom, and patience. May God who out of defeat and frustration always brings new hope and new alternatives, continually give you new strength, and when you need them, new ideas. Amen.