When we feel at distance from God and overwhelmed by the angst of life, there are many different things we can use to numb the pain or seek to answer the questions that rage in our heart. A smorgasbord of addictions are available. In Victoria and South Australia many people are discovering the soul numbing qualities of poker machines – yes, they lose a great deal of money, dignity, relationships etc, but nevertheless the black hole they might experience in their soul is being covered up – at least for a while. Materialism and greed have been with us a long time. Alcohol and drugs are also old stand bys – though heroin seems to be particularly popular at the moment – turned to by many who feel they have no other shelter from the anxiety of our age. in general, and pornography in particular also play a similar role in people's lives. For many years it also had me trapped in addictive behaviours that were very destructive to the life I wanted (on an other level) to lead.

The trouble with all addictions is that at some point in their lives they no longer simply numb the pain that started them – they introduce a new, destructive pain of their own. Guilt, shame, relationship breakdown, and physical degradation can all flow from them. addiction is no different – it begins by promising some kind of artificial "love" and an answer to existential isolation – and ends with us feeling even more alone and empty.

When God created sex it involved two complete, God-satisfied people coming together and giving from that completeness to each other in love. In a physical way there was to be a reflection of the kind of love we saw in Christ – sacrificing the self not the other. For all of us as sinful and broken people that "ideal" is notoriously difficult to maintain, pornography of all kinds undermines the possibility even further.

Pornography has been with us a long time – the Greek word refers to the short and suggestive messages that prostitutes used to write on walls and the like advertising their services. We have examples of ancient pornography from practically every major civilisation – highly explicit mosaics and pottery in Greece and Rome, paintings in China and Japan, statuettes from Asia, Oceania, Africa, and South America. The list goes on. Western culture has always had a stream of pornography running through it – in the fifties and sixties this moved out of the shadows and became a large industry producing books, magazines, and films. In the film "Boogie Nights" the director wanted to suggest that the seventies was a golden age for this kind of pornography.

Since the blossoming of videos and the Internet the pornography industry has continued to grow – moving even further into the "mainstream" of everyday people's lives. For several years pornography was the only type of enterprise on the Internet making money – and it was substantial money: it is estimated that in 1998 the industry earned over $1 billion from subscriptions and had over 30,000 sites. Many of these sites are run by small home-based amateurs, but several large corporations are also involved. One of the largest corporations involved in the industry (sex.com based in Tijuana, Mexico) claims to have between 70 and 120 million hits per day which is second only to Yahoo! with its 144 million!

From a Christian perspective we have a number of problems with all kinds of pornography, and a few problems with the Internet in particular:

a. All pornography has a way of undermining the full humanness of a person. We don't know (or care) about the model's feelings, needs, etc – they are simply an object for us to lust after. Many males (who make up 99% of the Internet market) already find it hard not to objectify the women in their lives – pornography which focuses simply on their genitals or emphasises women doing degrading acts simply highlights this objectification. In our marriages many of us husbands already struggle to truly communicate and seek to find out what is going on in the hearts of the women they love – they prefer instead to try and use sex as the glue to hold the relationship together. Pornography highlights and intensifies this process drawing us even further away from true intimacy.

b. All pornography has a way of holding an "ideal" before the viewer that cannot be replicated in real life and will therefore fuel frustration and undermine the ability to create loving and mutually satisfying relationships. During the times I have struggled most with pornography this has inevitably led to (1) my trying to "force" my wife to do things she is not comfortable with; and (2) my feeling frustrated and dissatisfied because she does not (and cannot) live up to the artificial world of the pornographer. There is nothing wrong with trying new things or picking up new ideas to spice up our sex lives in appropriate ways – but when it is one partner imposing on the other it is a form of abuse and when it is the pornography industry which sets the tone it will inevitably lead further from the ideal of a relationship which is truly loving and mutually upbuilding.

c. All pornography leads the viewer inwards to a life of fantasy and self-satisfaction. It can lead away from an ability to connect with others. One wife came to see me recently for counselling and complained that, ironically, her husband was so obsessed with pornography that he no longer wanted sex with her. The pornography and its interplay with his mind had become the central drug of his life – all other relationships were becoming irrelevant. Many users of pornography like to tell themselves it will "enhance" their love life with their partner – on some occasions there is even an attempt to try and involve the partner in the addiction (alcoholics, drug addicts and gamblers also try this). But by it's nature pornography is always about individual satisfaction and the "use" of the other person.

d. As the use of pornography is driven by the results of our sin and yet cannot deal with those results – it will inevitably grow. We are going to try harder and harder to find that elusive ideal that will allegedly "satisfy all our longings". The growth of the addiction has a number of consequences – (1) to begin with it costs money and time. Wives have spoken to me about the lengths of time their husbands are on the Internet and the huge bills they can run up – to hear of men being on the machine until three or four every morning is not uncommon. They want more and more – they feel they have come close to some source of peace but it is just out of reach. Connected with this, many men (over 58%) are accessing web porn from work – thus putting their employment at risk. To make things worse, after a long bout on the ‘net we inevitably feel dirty and ashamed, we need something to deal with those feelings, so the next night it all starts again in an attempt to numb our pain. A cycle of addiction begins to play into the situation. (2) As the starting point is not satisfying us – we will inevitably try something different to see if it will "reach the spot." The cycle thereby becomes a spiral. The Internet is particularly insidious here – all kinds of pornography, including things we would never have dreamed of, are all easily and equally accessible. Before the ‘net we might have bought entry level pornography at the local milk bar, gone to the newsagent for something harder, an adult shop in the city for something more explicit still, and for the really bizarre or perhaps illegal we had to send away to Canberra, or be in contact with secret groups who trafficked in the darkest material. To go to a strip club or some such place required us going to a strange part of the city we may have never entered before. Many people could stop themselves at the first or second level and wouldn't even have an idea how to get deeper. With the introduction of the Internet this distinction, and its protection, has disappeared. Interactive strip clubs are becoming common and easy to access – as industry analysts said recently: "folks interested in material can enjoy it in the privacy of their home or office – without ever setting foot in a peep show or video store [furthermore, now days, people] expect a lot more: interaction, meeting, talking. That's what the technologies promise, and in four or five years it will be the norm" (quoted in Business 2.0, February, 1999).

In many ways the ‘net also operates beyond the jurisdiction of any one nation and therefore quickly becomes a law unto itself. , child pornography, and violent degradation can all be found or perhaps even stumbled upon quite innocently. A policeman friend of mine recently raided a business and charged a man with possessing child pornography, he claimed he had accidentally downloaded the child stuff with the rest – and this may well have been true. The Internet makes no distinction in who it exploits.

e. Internet pornography has also bought a new element through the use of chat groups. In a chat group we may not have visual contact with the person we are communicating with (though this is changing through the increased use of video), ordinarily we have few of the visual cues we use to connect with another human being. In order to gain that sense of connection we quickly move to deeper, more intimate topics. Many new relationships are being formed in these groups. They form another element in the "spiral" I spoke about earlier – we move our craving for connection to a deeper level by actually contacting another person. Though I personally feel there are many good things about chat groups – especially for people with specialised interests or limited social networks – they also have dangers. Counsellors are finding more and more relationships which are being undermined or torn apart because of alliances formed in chat groups. Husbands and wives can meet new people – they communicate intensely through cyber space and a new bond is formed. These bonds can be as real and intense as picking somebody up in a bar (sometimes even more so – we are more open when we feel "safe"). These relationships occasionally result in meeting up and physical affairs might follow – but even if this does not happen we can believe our cyber pal understands and cares about us more than our spouse. New reliance can be formed that undermines our commitment to true intimacy within the bounds of already existing relationships. Again, time and money come into the picture – many hours can be spent chatting with people a world away, while we neglect sleep, work, and existing relationships. Many chat groups involve the swapping of pornographic material - again, there are few limits here. They are even less open to regulation than the World Wide Web and, along with newsgroups, seem to form the back bone of the paedophile rings that occur on the ‘net. Paedophile's also use children's chat groups (which when fine, can open a whole world of friendships for kids) to lure kid's into inappropriate and sometimes destructive connections.

In his book "Addiction and Grace", Gerald May writes: "Addiction exists wherever persons are internally compelled to give energy to things that are not their own true desires ... addiction is a state of compulsion ...". There is no question that when we are addicted to something even sex or pornography on the Internet, and I have seen this in my own heart and in the eyes of my clients, we end up feeling powerless and unmanageable. As Paul said in Romans 7: "The very things I do not want to do I end up doing." Sex in particular is a very powerful addiction. Patrick Carnes in "Don't Call it Love" says: "Sex offers unequalled capacity to profoundly influence each of the three pleasure domes – arousal, satiation, and fantasy - that qualifies it as the piece de resistance among the addictions." This is not an excuse to not take responsibility for our lives or to just give up on sin – but it does show that the breaking of an addiction is hard work.

The Journey back from Addiction to Wholeness

Anyone who takes the Biblical truth of the Fall seriously will recognise that until Christ returns "life is hard" and will involve a certain level of pain. Some people face up to this truth and deal with it. Others spend all their time trying to hide from it. Addicts fall into the second group. Oftentimes their anxiety is made all the worse by their addiction. Giving up their addiction (and this is just as true for the most trivial addiction as the greatest) involves a certain journey into this blackness, one writer spoke about travelling into the desert. We can try and avoid it (perhaps even through religious experience), but every attempt at that is simply replacing one addiction with another: lots of addicts move from one addiction to another before they get to a point where they can or a willing to deal with the underlying feelings.

True healing begins when I say: I feel the craving, I feel the emptiness, I feel the pain, I see what lies underneath all my masks and my hiding places. I feel afraid of it, I cry, I hurt, but I'm not running away from it. I open my eyes and as an adult accept and begin to deal with this pain. At this point we are at a point where we can utter the words of the first of the twelve steps: "We saw were powerless over our lust" and begin to see our utter dependence on God.

This doesn't mean that the pain will be the same intensity all your life. We grow / we develop / we heal. Sometimes God decides in grace to instantly heal us – but more often He doesn't. He is glorified through the process of our healing.

We need to be very careful about the quick fix – even when churches offer it. That is what addictions have always promised, easy ways out of the hurt that humans feel. These beliefs deny the basic reality of sin and how profoundly it has affected our lives. The journey out of addiction can be a long process, for many it involves the following stages:

1.Developing Stage (up to 2 years) – know we're in trouble but don't commit to change yet. Play around with a bit of counselling etc but don't really commit. Often switch behaviours during this time (eg switch from one form of pornography to another).

2.Crisis/Decision (1 day – 2/3 months) An ultimatum appears (arrest, wife threatening to leave etc)

3.Shock Stage – Physical symptoms of withdrawal, confusion, inability to focus or concentrate); get angry about boundaries set by loved ones; can at times feel helpless; but also a certain relief. Difficult at this point to be truly HONEST about what has been going on!

4.Grief Stage (4 – 8 months) – certain amount of denial and bargaining. Also anger and defiance. Much sadness and at times despair. Feels like the loss of a friend. Time to take a general stock of our lives.

5.Repair stage (18-36 months): New capacity for joy. Deepening relationships with others (very important!); take new responsibility for life (career etc); start to learn to EXPRESS NEEDS not just cover them up with addiction.

6.Repair Stage (two years) – empathy for self and others; build up boundaries; start to love outward not just inward etc.

The enormity of the task before us, reminds us that we cannot get anywhere without the grace of God. God in His grace loves us - and therefore feeds us, wants us to grow, desires for us to mature. Important to remember that His aim is not just a weaning away from sin – but also a positive growth in discipleship and maturity. This is why the process can sometimes seem slow or painful.

Nevertheless there needs to be an accepting and trust in God's Grace which flows from total generosity / always exists / is always available / is always good / is always victorious. Any road to toward freedom from addiction requires that we see and embrace this notion of grace. Why would you want to give up your idols / your addiction if you don't know or trust the alternatives are.

Alot of human relationships have foundered not because the two people involved don't have love for each other BUT RATHER because they are both so broken and hurt inside that they can't FEEL the love the other has for them. The reason we are all so caught up in addictions is not because God cannot meet our needs BUT rather because we don't trust that He will meet our needs. In Hebrews 4:2 the author says that the message of the gospel is of no use to some people because they do not combine it with faith: they "know" the truth but refuse to build their life on it. At heart the reason for this comes down to our wanting to remain in control of everything that happens in our lives - or perhaps (connected to this) we feel that our needs, our wants are everything.

We find it impossible to focus on the love of God and to trust it because our needs are so great that they always get the number one priority. True faith (a letting go and letting God) involves certain risks (as the author to the Hebrews says: certain of what we DO NOT see). We can never be sure of how God will react - we can be sure of God, but He is not "tame". And yet, the lives of deeply spiritual people are characterised by increasing risk-taking as they know more and more of God they are willing to give up more and more of their control and self-reliance.

Over time, if we are growing in Him, we are willing to be more vulnerable, willing to deal with our wounds, willing to have the masks away. For those struggling with addiction, I need to emphasise again, faith is a journey to more and more risk! It is not meant to be a place where we might first feel comfortable and THEN feel we can let go of the pornography or whatever else we are using as a crutch.

As a person seeking to give up pornography it is important to put the first emphasis on behaviour. To spend all our energy in trying to stop feeling a certain way is setting the hurdles too high. God's grace gives us the strength to resist the temptation but will not necessarily remove the temptation. When I first came out gave myself a really hard time about not stopping my bad thoughts, desires etc. But it was too hard. I needed to teach an old instant-gratifier like me that having the feelings does not mean I have to give in to them.

Some qualities of a person coming out of addiction (adapted from Patrick Carnes "Don't Call it Love"):

1. Honesty – to myself, to God, to a significant other. For this journey I need to know what goes on in my heart/ I need to know the games my own spirit plays. As part of this I need to put myself in a place where the lies can no longer overwhelm me – we must watch who we mix with, where we spend out time.

2. Acceptance - what is going on as being a spiritual battle etc This involves a great risk of faith before .

3. Dignity - I believe I am loved by God, I am created in his image, I am special. I have worth. I have to stop acting as if I believe my own bad self-image. This might not change feelings I have about myself – but I'm not going to let those feelings dictate my life anymore. We can become addicted to a bad-self-image because this is how we know who we are.

4. Accountability - I don't believe you can fight this on your own – need friends etc Be honest. Find others who have been on road before you. Mentor. Use the phone. Nevertheless, don't replace one idol for another – sometimes become too dependent on those round us.

5. Responsibility - we are part of a larger world - addicted people tend to think only of themselves and their own needs. Being responsible means listening to others, reach out, seek grace and act in accordance with it.

6. Simplicity - At the bottom line stopping addictive behaviour simply means – don't do it. Refuse to do it, and keep refusing to do it. Simple, yet hard. Keep it simple, face the difficulty, don't look for complex solutions and intricate answers as all too often these become an excuse. Related to this - don't spend too much time fighting temptation. See it, pray about it, leave it. Al Anon has a card K.I.S.S. – Keep It Simple Stupid!

In his second letter, Peter speaks of those who pretend that they can be followers of Jesus and yet at the same time continue to be completely self-centred, simply following their own desires. He points out just how ridiculous that way of thinking really is. You cannot serve two masters - Either there is the real freedom that only Christ can give; Or there is the false "freedom" that the world promises which is only a form of slavery. Either there is God-centred GRACE; Or there is me-centred IMPRISONMENT in sin. That's the choice. For Peter that must have been a hard lesson to learn. Like the rest of us would have preferred being in control, in charge, able to lick everything himself. But already at the Lake Jesus says – there will be a time when you are required to go where you don't want to go. In a way that's not a threat, it's a promise of grace – yes, it will be a way of pain, but also true fulfilment and freedom. Even in the pain - I will be there and my grace will be sufficient for you and will give you life.

Our addiction is God's Song of Love in our hearts - a sign that someone loves us and is yet being pushed away. Our addiction should be seen as a signpost to God, His grace, and authentic love. We find this love hard to accept and deal with so we look for the imitations to some how satisfy. When the time comes that we see their emptiness, He is still there, the loving Parent waiting on the road for the rebellious and foolish child to finally come home.

Martin de Graaf