THE INTERNET – FRIEND OR FOE? by WLCFS

It was sad. I sat listening to Don’s story. His wife had just moved out and asked him for a divorce. She had been communicating with a man she met in a chat room on the Internet. After several months of back and forth communication, she had left her husband for the weekend, drove to another state, and met her Internet “friend.” When she came back, she told her husband that she wanted a divorce and was going to live with her “friend.” She agreed that her husband could have custody of their three-year-old son.

As I sat listening to Don’s story, I was thinking, “Not again! Not another Internet affair!” This was, now, the third client of mine in nine months who came to me because of a spouse finding an Internet “friend” of the opposite sex.

After my session with Don, I thought of other cases that my fellow therapists and I had that did not involve an affair, but in which the Internet was a problem in our client’s lives. One was Lynn, who was feeling neglected and unimportant because her husband spent hours on the Internet late into the night. Sometimes he wouldn’t get to bed until 2 or 3 in the morning! Once Lynn came up behind her husband while he was engrossed in his Internet activity and discovered that he was looking at pornographic pictures. Her husband thought he was doing nothing wrong looking at “erotic art.” Another was Deb, who felt like a computer widow because her husband spent many hours each evening searching the financial markets looking for stocks and other great investments.

While doing research for this paper, I found other examples of problems that the Internet caused in people’s lives. College students flunked out of college and high school students’ grades dropped because of hours spent playing interactive games over the Internet with their Internet buddies. Employees got fired because they spent hours on-line at work or they spent so much time on the Internet on their home computer through the night that they either missed work or consistently came to work late.

The Internet is not bad in itself. It has a wealth of information available. Everyday the Internet is accessed by millions of people gathering information, checking E-mail and chatting with people all over the world. It is in businesses and homes. It can serve as an important information source, learning tool, and source of entertainment. It dissolves geographic boundaries and expands the ability of people with common interests or problems to share information important to them. Used wisely, the Internet can be a helpful source of information and entertainment. In fact, I made use of the Internet when doing the research for this paper. However, it can also contribute to problems mentioned earlier: broken marriages, lost jobs, falling school grades, overspending, pornography addiction, ill health, and other psychological and spiritual problems. Internet use falls on a continuum from being helpful to one’s life to being harmful. At the extreme end of the harmful designation lies addiction. Along the way lie other issues and problems.

The Question of Addiction Some addiction experts question whether one can develop an addiction to the Internet. They claim that one cannot be addicted to the Internet because there is no chemical substance involved. It is not a medical disorder. Other addiction experts state that one can be addicted to actions or things other than chemical substances. A psychological or behavioral addiction develops. This type of addiction is one in which a person becomes addicted to a behavior or a feeling rather than a chemical substance. There appear to be numerous neurochemical changes that occur during addictive behaviors. These chemical changes can elicit a “hit” whereby one experiences a sense of temporary pleasure. Pleasurable events are likely to be repeated. These experts go on to state that normal everyday activities can be addicting if done to extreme. Examples include exercise, chronic overeating, work, television, video games, gambling and sex. An overeating disorder has to do with something necessary in life — food. An Internet addiction has to do with something necessary in life — school, job. Perhaps that’s why Dr. Evan Goldberg, a New York City psychiatrist, coined the term “Internet Addiction Disorder.” This disorder manifests itself as out-of-control behavior that overwhelms the addict’s life. Such use of the Internet continues despite knowledge of a persistent or recurrent physical, social or psychological problem.

Consequently, in this presentation “Internet Addiction” may refer to the activity itself. It may refer to the content or focus of the Internet subject matter, or it may refer to both.

Some Christians do not like the term addiction, thinking that it absolves a person of responsibility for his behavior or attempts to deny the existence of sin in behavior that is against God’s will. There is always sin involved in addiction; any activity carried on in excess violates God’s will for moderation. Whether it is willful or in weakness is not the question; there are very real spiritual problems in addiction and the sinfulness involved is something that the addicted person needs to address. However, we also need to remember that where sin abounds, there grace also abounds. All that is sinful has been covered by the blood and righteousness of Christ. Forgiveness for the past is a free gift of grace and serves as the motivating cause for behavior change for the future.

Who Gets Addicted? Few studies have been done on Internet addiction. One survey completed in December 1997 by Dr. Kimberly Young, assistant professor of Psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, reports that the on-line community at the time of her survey was estimated to be around 56 million. Her data suggest that 5-10% of Internet users may be addicted.

The typical Internet addict is not the stereotypical “computer nerd.” Only 8% of addicts come from high-tech jobs. There is no significant difference in age, gender, social class or economic level of those who are addicted. Around 54% of Internet addicts report prior histories of depression and 34% report previous histories of anxiety. 50% reported prior histories of another addiction. Of those addicted 25% reported getting hooked in their first six months on-line, 58% reported becoming addicted within six months to one year of going on-line, and 17% report becoming addicted after one year.

An average addicted Internet user spends 38 hours a week on-line dealing with non-employment, non-academic efforts compared to non-addicts who average 8 hours a week. Men tend to use the Internet to seek power, status, and dominance. They gravitate to sites with information sources, aggressive interactive games, sexually explicit chat rooms and pornography (cyber-porn). Women tend to gravitate to chat rooms as a means to form supportive friendships, seek romance, and socialize. 90% of addicts are addicted to the two-way communication sites: chat rooms, interactive games, news groups, and e-mail. Traditional Web surfing and information sites are the source of addictive activity for only about 10% of Internet addicts.

Some sort of escapism lies at the heart of Internet addictions. While on the Internet, a person can get away from it all, escaping into a fantasy land where he can make an instant friend any time of the day or night from the safety of his home, office or dorm. He does not have to get dressed up, check himself in the mirror or drive anywhere. Others can not see him. They do not know who he is. He can be whomever he chooses and can act however he wants with little fear of being found out. If he is shy, he can be outgoing on the Internet. If he is boring he can be witty. He can construct an “ideal self’ to replace a poor self-concept. If he has difficulty forming real life relationships and is therefore lonely, he is at risk for addiction to the interactive aspect of the Internet. On the Internet there is a sense of equality. He is judged by his ideas rather than by his status in the real community. He can gain a sense of status and importance from his Internet friends-people he does not even know. These new exciting, fantasy-filled relationships can make real life relationships seem dull and ordinary in comparison. The Internet offers a form of social contact with no real social presence, a surrogate social life of low risk relationships. It is a way to avoid true intimate social contact. The deceit of on- line relationships is that they look like real intimacy. There is a self-delusion of real depth. Virtual relationships generally have minimal risks compared to perceived potential gains. They allow one to escape from the problems and conflicts of real life relationships.

For some people there can be a voyeuristic aspect to being on the Internet. They may “lurk” and participate (in a read-only mode and “eavesdrop” on chat rooms and e-mail groups witnessing the ideas, feelings and interactions of the active participants. For some this can be emotionally stimulating.

For the interactive game players, the MUDs (Multi-User Dungeons) can be very addictive. Traditionally MUD is a spin off of “Dungeons and Dragons.” Now MUD commonly refers to the many interactive games played over the Internet. Players take on names of characters who compete through fighting battles. They can gain points and rise in status in a virtual world of power and control. The players can gain respect, honor and prestige through their characters and, thus win at the game of life. There are hundreds of MUDs each with its own theme. Play is continuous day and night, week to week.

The escapism of the Internet is temporary. Dr. Kimberly Young in her book, Caught in the Net, describe the addictive cycle of Internet use in this way: “Escape is temporary. When the Internet addict finally logs off for the night, the screen goes dark on the fantasy world. Real-life problems return, and now they’re even harder to endure. Depression deepens, loneliness intensifies, and there’s the added burden of guilt for neglecting spouse or family. That propels addicts into going on-line even more often for even longer periods of time to find a panacea for the awakened painful feeling and to chase after the “high” they remembered from their last walk through a chat room or news group. This is the same cycle known to alcoholics: drink to escape their problems; feel worse afterward; drink more to wipe away those worsening feelings.” Signs of Internet Addiction The following signs and symptoms could indicate that a person is addicted to the Internet. The addict does not get enough sleep due to time spent on-line. An Internet addict averages less than 5 hours of sleep a night. This could result in falling asleep in class, taking a higher number of sick days off at work, coming in late to work, or health problems. The addict’s phone bills may get out of hand. This can be one of the first visible and tangible signs of an addiction problem. The addict experiences a sense of well-being or euphoria while on the Internet. This “high” is the hook that keeps the addict coming back. The addict is unable to stop once on-line. The addict craves more and more time on the Internet. The addict feels empty, depressed, irritable or anxious when not on-line. The addict lies to employers, family or friends about Internet use. The addict neglects work, family, friends or other socialization. Real problems arise due to this neglect. The addict exhibits a loss of interest in once-treasured hobbies and interests. The addict will put off or neglect daily chores and responsibilities. Personal hygiene may not be attended to. The addict shows irritability when interrupted by people or things in real life while on-line. The addict may have dreams involving the Internet or may fantasize about the Internet when away from it. The addict may exhibit physical symptoms such as carpal tunnel syndrome, dry eyes, backaches, eating irregularities and skipped meals, and sleep disturbances. The addict’s family and/or friends complain about the time the addict spends on-line. Family and friends of the addict are generally frustrated, confused, lonely, angry and sometimes desperate. Those living with the addict see the problem and seek to do something about it before the addict will. The addict is generally in denial of the addiction. He has trouble admitting that he has a problem and will be irritable defensive when confronted.

Two Internet addiction tests have been included at with this essay. These tests can point out particular problem areas for the Internet user and help him to assess his Internet use. One test is for the Internet user and the other is for the spouse or other family members.

Help for The Addicted Internet addiction is a relatively new mental health concern. Not much research has been done on it. The are few self-help resources available. Ironically, there are some on-line support groups designed to help those addicted. However, I question the efficacy of going on-line when one is trying to cut down on time on-line or cut it out entirely. Total abstinence from the Internet can work for some people, but is not the answer for others. Students who need the Internet for school, those who need the Internet for work, and those who do not wish to abstain entirely need to learn healthy and God-pleasing attitudes and behaviors for Internet use. For them, recovery is similar to that of the overeater who can not abstain from food.

For someone who recognizes a problem with addictive Internet use and is willing to do something about it, the following may be a “battle plan” to help him recover from his Internet addiction. Recognize the extent of the problem. Denial comes into play here. This first step is to help break through the denial and enable the Internet addict to see the extent of his Internet misuse and the problems it is causing in his life. First he must assess his on-line time. To get a clear idea of how much time he spends on the Internet he must chart the actual number of hours spent on-line. Then an assessment should be made of where that time is spent. How much time is spent in the chat rooms? In which chat rooms does he spend the most time? How much time is spent in interactive games? Which games does he play and for how long? How many hours are spent in sending and reading e-mail, etc.? A complete analysis of Internet usage is gathered.

Next, the addict needs to recognize what he is missing in real life while on-line. What is he not doing now that he did before, such as spending time with spouse, children and friends, exercising, reading, doing household chores, sleeping, etc.? Other family members may be helpful in assisting the addict to assess these lost activities. The addict should write down every activity that he has neglected or curtailed since his Internet habit emerged. Then he should rank each on a scale of 1 to 3: 1 – Very Important 2 – Important 3 – Not Very Important

When ranking the activities the person should try to remember life before the Internet. How did he regard each activity then? How has his life become less fulfilling by neglecting the activities rated very important and important? He should take the Internet Addiction Test at the end of this paper.

Take the problem to God. His attitudes and behaviors should then be assessed in light of God’s Word. How have these behaviors affected his faith and relationship with God? Once the addict sees the extent of his problem and how he has sinned against his Lord and others, he needs to go to God and confess his sinful attitudes and behaviors. He needs to know that God in his mercy sent Jesus to pay for all sin, and that his sins have been covered by the blood of Christ. Asking God for guidance, wisdom, and strength to help him overcome his addictive attitudes and behaviors would be the next step. In addictions, as in all things, one needs to rely on God’s strength, not his own. Incorporating Bible reading, prayer, and devotions into his daily schedule are important. He should talk to his pastor for spiritual guidance.

Ask for forgiveness from those who were hurt by the addiction. The addict needs to look at how his attitudes and behaviors around the Internet have hurt other people in his life. Trying to put himself in the place of those he hurt and developing some empathy for them would be very helpful. If expedient, he should go to the people he has wronged by his Internet use. He should honestly state how his behaviors to them were wrong, tell them that he is sincerely sorry, and ask them to forgive him. He needs to keep in mind that forgiveness from others does not relieve him of the consequences or accountability for his behavior. Although forgiven, sometimes there may be some difficult consequences to deal with. He is accountable to deal with these consequences in a God-pleasing way. He is also responsible for leaving his addictive attitudes and behaviors behind.

Confront the Problems and feelings from which the person is running. What responsibilities, feelings, stresses, or conflicts is the addicted person running from? Examples might include: loneliness, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, depression, work-related stresses, marital discord, boredom, financial problems, hurts from the past, etc. Taking a class in conflict resolution, stress management or assertiveness training may help. Therapy may be necessary to help the addicted person face the issues that feed the addictive process and to help the person better understand himself. In counseling he can learn which triggers play into his addictive process and learn alternative ways to deal with them. An appropriate support group may be helpful depending on the underlying problems. Support groups that may be beneficial might include groups dealing with issues of children of alcoholics, sexual abuse recovery, divorce recovery, or single parenting.

Cultivate alternative activities in the real world. Some examples would be: exercising, calling a friend on the phone, spending time with family and friends, taking a class for fun, knitting, cross stitch, walking, doing volunteer activities, attending Bible classes and other church activities, gardening, woodworking, etc.

Take steps to manage on-line time. On-line time needs to decrease. Addictive behaviors need to be addressed. The following are some ideas that the addict might incorporate into his recovery. If the Internet addict is addicted to pornography, he can get a filter in place which would not allow him to enter those sites. Another suggestion would be to put the computer on an auto-timer that only allows the computer to be on for a certain number of hours a day. Using concrete life things to do and places to go may be helpful in cutting down the on-line time by using them as prompters to log off. An example might be planning a lunch date at 12:00 noon on Saturday and turning the computer on at 10:30 AM. The planned lunch would end the computer time.

It is good to have a planned Internet usage schedule. Many times attempts to limit Internet time fail because the user relies on an ambiguous plan. Setting a reasonable goal each week on-line and weaning down progressively is a good idea. Schedule the on-line time for specific time slots written on a calendar or weekly planner. Keep sessions fairly brief and frequent. Since one tends to lose time while on the Internet, an alarm clock should be set to go off to signal the end of the on-line time. Conclusion As the Internet continues to be accessed by more and more people, the problems of Internet addiction will continue. You will likely meet people who are addicted or have a family member who is addicted. It is important for you to know that the problem exists. It is equally vital to recognize that workers in the church have no promise of immunity from the consequences of a sin-ruined world common to all men.

References Book

Young, Kimberly S. Caught in the Net: How to Recognize the Signs of Internet Addiction — and a Winning Strategy for Recovery, John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 1998

On-line sources

Greenfield, David, Dr. “Frequently Asked Questions about Internet Addiction”, 1998, http://www.Virtual-Addiction.com

Greenfield, David, Dr. “Suggestions to help you Manage Internet Use”, 1998, http://www.Virtual-Addiction.com

King, Storm “Is the Internet Addictive, or Are Addicts Using the Internet?”, 1996, http://www.rdz.stjohn’s.edu/storm~iad.html

Orzack, Maressa, Dr. Computer Addiction Services, 1997,

Young, Kimberly, Dr. Center for On-Line Addiction, “The Internet Addiction Test”, 1998. http://www.netaddiction.com

Young, Kimberly, Dr. Center for On-Line Addiction, “Test for Spouses/Partners of Internet Addicts”, 1998, http://www.netaddiction.com

Prepared by the staff of Wisconsin Lutheran Child and Family Services. For a hard copy, please send a donation to WLCFS, PO Box 2450039, Milwaukee, WI 53224.

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